windy

the used to be me.

2010-05-13T04:50:00.001-07:00

things have realled changed hasnt it.

it was pretty much opening an old wound and pouring salt all over it.

i was a pretty big asshole den and that pretty much vindicates everything i deserved.

life is a boomerang. it comes straight back at you.

in the past year, ive learnt my lesson and im so glad for u.

u have accepted the shortcomings and the good things that come with it.

whatever the case, im glad we're working out and at the same time, apologetic that the previous one was such a mess.

burning desire fading away.

2010-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

contemplated the past year recently. and came up with this:

i have gone the entire year sleeping without a bed, without a room, doing the first 2 years with 6 assignments due every 2 months and an exam that follows in the proceeding month, giving tuition to a combined of 16 students and actually doing well with my grades.

i gues i havent been the best son/brother/boyfriend/grandson/breastfriend/bestfriend/friend to a lot of pple out there (in order of importance). but can u really blame me? couple the above with the ever mounting debts and actually financing my tertiary education seems rather impossible but i have actually accomplished it with, i quote, "haphazard rubber timing".

the room or lack of one has kinda sorta been pushing me on, willing me to strive even harder. its the 4th semester and it would be obvious for me to want to do well. but for once, i seem to be a little burnt out. ive had a little stick for not performing my duties as the above roles but unless u know me, u probably don understand the workload that i go through on a daily basis. u probably think that it all is fine and dandy and everything is exergerrated but i guess u could take ur opinions, write them on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and stick down ur throat.

its been a year too long and now, i crave for my space.

red-nosed. AGAIN.

2010-02-03T19:45:00.000-08:00

its one of those days that i wake up with an incessant dripping nose, and not matter what i do, it doesnt go away.

if u ACTUALLY know me, u would be able to gauge how bad it is to know that i actually cancelled work to lay at home and rest. but i felt guilty. a mucus dripping windy isnt as efficient as a half fucked windy these days.

now couple all that nose dripping shit with no circulation of air in this room, a body full of sweat and an iphone thats pissing the shit all over my face. what kind of image do u get?

count the blessings or rue the dissapointment?

2009-12-31T08:06:00.000-08:00

2 years ago. it was tragedy to say the least. at about this, we were all gathered at the a&e wondering if the clot in the brain could go away.

just last year, it was a case of watching a sad sob story or one tree hill if i don rem wrongly, wondering when i would actually find myself in a right relationship.

this year, things are a little different but some things just don ever ever change.

2009 was a little productive if u ask me, im legal and definitely responsible for all kinds of actions that i act on. change of jobs/industries, done with the service, broken away from several severe vices of the past and i even brought someone home for the first time ever.. of course, ive found myself a little sweetie pie.

but a cloud literally hangs over my head. something is missing. i know u give me everything that u can afford to give and theres really very little left to give me and for me to ask for. but i need u to know that sometimes, i feel like a fish out of water. before we got together, i was having tonnes of fun at night but i never felt loved.

i guess its the opposite now. i am asking for a lot but i just cant deal with somethings now. there was only one reason why im staying home if u don realise. i actually thought that since u cant physically be with me, the next best thing is to talk to u till the time comes. guess that didnt really work out. honestly it sucks knowing that i cant spend my weekends and holidays with u. what makes it worse is year after year, im made to suffer this again and again.

i swear i don think im asking for too much. i just wanna physically spend special eves and nights with my loved/special one. thats all i want. why cant anyone grant me this? ever?

7 day mile - the frames

2009-12-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

once in a while u get hurt.

and then it triggers thoughts.

how did it all happen?

and if u do more soul searching, u end up realising that the pple that hurt u most are the ones that happened to be the ones that u love most.

dig deeper and then u realise the ugly stuff.

u prob have inadvertently hurt the pple that love u loads too. from the little things to the big actions, they all don matter. chances are, things have a way of screwing u over.

what goes around, comes around. karma rears its ugly head. again.

long time coming

2009-12-16T06:47:00.000-08:00

long long long time.

the birthday was all good and many ways possible but it didnt feel as symbolic and significant as it should have.

i sincerely believe that a huge part of it is due to how ive been the way i am, a partial 21 year old since several thousands of weeks ago.

the last 2 songs played before the clock struck 12 to bring the day to an end were symbolic, to say the least. song 2 and bad day by fuel. 1 has willed me thru everything thru the year, and the other as though to remind me about how i really wasted my special day with my dangerously lazy sleepy habits.

then, i started thinking. a lot has been happening since may 8th and i thank god for the day u came along. u said that u were skeptical at the start, i probably felt worse than that but kept it to myself. u seemed, at first, like any one of the others that came and left very quickly.

time has really proven me wrong and i really can't emphasis on everything u have provided me with. everything u've done, its been nothing short of sweet and i appreciate if sixtyfolds.

in you i have probably found what i looked for for the past 2 years and i hope that for the rest of my life, u're the first thing in the morning i think of, and last person i talk to at night =)

Day 1

2009-09-08T04:52:00.000-07:00

Sigh.
Life sucks without you.
its barely day 1 and it has felt like 241235 years.

thing is. without you. life feels different.
i don feel like any1 understands this screwed up head.
it feels like no 1 is there to tell me my limits or my lack of it.
it feels like no 1 wants to try help me thru this.

sigh. and to think, its all day 1.

2009-08-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

as i listen to the song, its pretty much me being able to picture u in that floral skirt and tied up hair, prancing around in a rather beautiful kitchen.

its all about you.
you make my life worthwhile.
its all about you baby.

i cant find the words to describe my emotions.
6 days away from 3 hrs of intense questions to test me and here i am feeling as though im partially on cloud nine, while the other half is already pcturing me going into the hall and regurgitating whatever i have learnt.

i havent said this enough and yes i don show too much affection and im lousy.
but im oh so grateful that despite the littlest of age u are right now, u have added so much colour and meaning to my life. you are probably the reason which drives me on in life, although the occassional whinings are a little dreadful =x

cut to the chase, i didnt expect to fall so deep in.
and, im so grateful i did. =)

2009-08-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

Its been a while.

well thats an understatement.

so yes.

as i put an end to this chapter of my life, i wish i never have to go back to the place.

ok granted, i actually like it in several ways i never thought possible but just when i was getting comfortable, things happen and u almost always go for the more lucrative offer, dont we all?

im glad in so many ways that i don have to go back there.

the first of which is the places that i see that will bring me memories, both good and bad.

its august now and things started at that area since dec.

im just relieved that its all over.

2009-07-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

the world has a weird way of working out.

or maybe, its just the organizational structure and everything else.

just when u are gonna leave a place or something u are doing, somebody else entices you by increasing the benefits, making it a bigger motivational factor in making you stay.

im seriously amazed at the timing but for some strange reason, im not taking it too seriously.

i mean. the biggest factor is the fact that im no longer naive about any of this, and i realise that this is all just a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

im in the phase where i know that this period is nothing more than a transition, and that all im doing now is not only not feasible, it will never be feasible.

yes maybe the grass in always greener on the other side and contentment, is the one thing that you and i should think about once in a while.

but seriously, who are we lying to. its time to get real.

laying the groundworks.

2009-07-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

son of a bitch.

thats my new favourite catchphrase these days.

i say it all the time. so much that its literally flooding out of my mouth.

im always clearing the path.

u know how in countries that have winter, u often see pple just clearing the snow around their car/houses to pave the way and make it easier to move around?

i don know why but im always finding myself in a position that almost always doing the dirty work for someone else.

i get the fact that i love the makelele role in football; just simple tackles that get u the ball and move it to pple that works wonders with them.

but i sure as hell don appreciate being the one thats always clearing the way, allowing someone else to claim the credit and reaping what i sow.

why is it that im ALWAYS giving others credit and i don seem to get any?

god hail jackson.

opinions

2009-07-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

its my 2 cents worth.

or rather, 5 cents considering how i prob have so much to say.

we just lost the best 2-legged freak that dances so good, it leaves me droooling.

with him alone, we saw the invention of the DDR machines n what nots.

seriously, without him, i cant see so many things happening.

someone prove me wrong but there really isnt another mj.

not even elvis comes close.

find me somebody that inspires a whole generation of musicians.

somebody that is recognized, from any corner of the world.

someone whose dance moves are just distinguishable.

hell, find me somebody who literally changes from black to white.

theres only one, and him being the musical genius that he is, is flawed.

i sincerely believe that he is flawed in some ways.

i hope im wrong, but oh well.

we lost a genius but im glad i was able to listen to his music n play his games on my SEGA drive .

god bless your soul dude.

high costing lemons.

2009-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade out of it.

wow.

after 4 months of pure PURE hatred, i guess its all worth it.

it sums up quite a bit.

my journey with cheese is coming to a screeching halt, and this is to unexpected dismay.

i cant believe im saying this, but i think i might regret the choice to let this go, but den again i have my reasons and they are self validated.

all you have to do is sit at the table closest to the door and waalah. u have my point and see things from another perspective.

im lying, just a little.

its not just a white lie, its a rather black one if colours are to be believed.

in any case, i've really enjoyed and learnt many things from different perspectives in these couple of months.

body language, positive words and art lessons are something that i can only get stronger with, with time.

u will never learn of this but in some ways, i appreciate things and everything you have done from me, from the little wrongly timed pep talks to the abundance of food thats always available after work.

thank you.

splits.

2009-06-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

sigh

im tired.

split shifts.

without breaks.

i suddenly think that my body is breaking.

slowly but surely

i totally understand the whole deal with getting on with years.

i really do.

and im starting to question my choice.s

dawn.

2009-06-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

its all coming to light now.

im not book smart.

i need to finally raise my hands n admit this fact.

couple this with a rather whirlwind week n there you go.

the reason im here.

so yeah. i guess it was all written in stone.

i SHOULD be feeling a little glad about the results because afterall, for once in my life, i actually have a DAMN A since my PSLE.

but den again.

its a little disappointing considering how its just an A n nothing more than that.

i studied the right stuff, wrote my usual self, n there we go.

nothing good.

ok numbers. surprising but i did fine there.

but everything else is a pain in my ass.

exams arent my forte n will forever be my arch nemesis.

now i realize why pple say that its hard to date someone in the same class as u.

brings about unwanted pressure and the sucky feeling.

i don wanna talk about this

period.

turmoil

2009-05-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

i was driving for fuel the other day n a conversation with mum made me rem how i was as a kid.

i vaguely rem being all of 5 years old, holding my favourite mickey and running up n down whenever the then wwf superstars was about to show on channel 5.

i even rem the time: 6pm saturdays.

the bigger step up from superstars: pay per views that were shown in the weeee hours of the night, for obvious reasons. these were at 10 plus and yeah. thats late for single digit aged kid!

mum was harping about the fact that ive always always been the kid that was dam gan chiong spider! she mentioned bout how im always rushing to the toilet. like continously.

and how whenever i woke up the next morning, ill def have mickey in my hands n swing him around looking for my breakfast.

somethings don change. not the part bout breakfast. not the part about the toilet. even mickey has been dethroned in place of the new queen on windyland: isabelle.

i having my first exam since 2006 tmr. thats fucking 3 years. 3 years without the tough situation of stress and anxiety and being graded. grades to me = to stupidity. im even more stressed now with all the friendly rivalry among all of us about who is the smarter between the 2. unnecessary stress u might say but it has really pushed me to the limits.

im scared shitless, i havent sat down n studied the way i have in years now. n surprisingly, it has gotten into my head.

why i m afraid, i have no clue.

but one things for sure. im fazed.

holiday? more like an illusion.

2009-05-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

i had fun today.

for the first time in a couple of months, i saw some light at the end of the tunnel.

but my insecurities, as always, are getting the better of me.

the never ending inquisitions still linger in the head that has a couple of screws that require tightening.

one thing often leads to another.

in the case of this head that houses the term unpredictability, its like a never ending search for the answers to questions the magnitude of the chicken and the egg.

sweep me off my feet please.

the limits of one man

2009-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

1 single person.

100 days in, we are having polls on obama n his performance.

a little premature if u ask me.

this guy has 365 x 4 years n we are all evaluating him upon his hundreth day in the office.

now lets put it this way. no president has had it easy.

but obama. boy. the poor guy.

should i even list the hardships hes been put thru?

its like the poor guy took the freaking SATS 3536t47 times in a row.

he has to come up with some bailout to stop the economy of the world from crumbling, and now theres the swine flu.

all that admist the continuation of the afghan war n kim jong ils sporadic decisions on the need to develop its nuclear arsenal more than its standard of living.

and ure telling me that hes only please 60 odd percent of the population.

cut the guy some slack n evaluate after a yr or so.

imagine giving u a fucking job appraisal which determines ur annual salary 2.5 mths into ur

job?

now i DONT wonder where these dimwits are from.

the limits.

im stuffed as usual. with school work suddenly. not this sucks not because of anything else but the bullshit im always placing myself in. i probably need to learn the art of delegation faster and be more precise. at the rate im going, im gonna end up the loser that isnt able to complete much due to the extensive saddling of work n problems that accompany it.

arghhhhhhhhhh

student/cheesecake slave/partial martial artiste/fragement of a writer/winklepicker owner

2009-04-24T02:06:00.000-07:00

identify the symptoms.

see the tell tale signs.

gauge the happenings that would next occur.

the happening isnt really happening.

so yeah maybe it does come with age but maybe not.

manipulation starts from young. in fact, its inborn ,congenital, connate, instinctive, inherent,natural, inbred, inherited, hereditary, in one's genes

i hope im not getting the wrong impression.

i don wanna end up loooking like an absolute dumbass at this.

ive prob been a dumb ass one too many times.

i love the language. i love numbers.

but sometimes, even i cant handle too much at once.

the discerning truth.

2009-04-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

the irony of life.
one moment cloud 9 seems to be where u are standing.
and the next, ure done, deep in the level of hell which reads 18 on the raging walls around you.

back to the dates 12-15 mar.
vaguely rem gazelnut saying the whole thing with how i attract nonesense.
how true it is.

im done with this.
the only people i trust are incidentally on one hand.
and they very simply read the 3 in the nuclues family, and the 2 apparent breasties.
non more than that.

here on out. im thru with being the saint.
patience is waning. and prove me your worth before the circle is expanded.
ah seriously. fuck all of you dimwits.
argh.

the right angle triangle

2009-04-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

define.

the triangle, has a side thats considered all up right n straight at 90deg.

the other 2 angles, not always equals, has different distances from where they are at to the right angle.

the similarities the triangle has to a lot in life.

u have one, the subject, the object, the prize, the lottery, the jewel.

comes btw 2 other points, and these 2 points have different distances.

reflects on the nature of closeness don u think?

the right angle has no clue that it is closer to one side than the other, accidentally choosing a preference and what it would rather.

i say fuck the right angle.

motherly love.

2009-04-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

i just have to pen down these thoughts

i was at tkd a couple of hrs ago. n boy did i see the cutest thing on earth.

we were having our usual water breaks and it was really touching to see what i did. we walked past a kid, all of about 6 yrs old, and he was certainly struggling with the forms at hand. he didnt know what came next, the backfisting hand or round kick. and when i say struggling, u have to trust me on this, i know whats struggling.

there was a lady, presumably his mum, watching on and giving really wide smiles and nods of approval.

as i watched on, i can only imagine how much the mum was feeling about her kid. it was that sense of pride and joy to just see ur kid learn something new and know that in a few yrs, he is certainly gonna excel in it.

every morning i wake up n think about the question thats on my employers mind. why do u even try so hard.

i just found my reason.

i feel old.

2009-04-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

with the face i have, i never thought that this would ever imply.

i have the looks of a kid, thus the whole kiddo thing at times with gazelnut but it sucks really.

but suddenly. it really does feel like im 16 again.

the irony it in all when u look at efrons movie bout 17. im no efron. definitely not that jackass that spends 2 fucking hours everyday on his hair. i don love myself that much.

the math, english, notepads, stickies, post it pads, notes on the post it pads, packed packed packed schedule and deadlines to meet, the pt job that feels like the one from before.

wow.

but thats. just the part where adapting is gonna come in.

than comes the part where it feels like we are all stupid really.

we are all old pple. deep down inside, we should really know who we are and what we want.

but when it comes to simple simple interaction n basic courtesy, we are surely still kids inside.

we act nonchalant and just run away from reality.

how is that ever gonna change anything we have.

kyptonite

2009-03-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

even clark kent had something that worked against him.
i m only human, prone to assumptions
the breeding of negativity is only a norm.

sch officially starts tmr n somehow.
i wish im more alone.
i love extremes.

Looking back at all the things we've done
You gotta keep on keeping on
Out to see, it's the only placeI honestly can get myself some piece of mind
You know it's getting hard to fly
If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud?

2009-03-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

i have practically worked my socks off and even my hands now are actually aching.

i mean. my arms are numb from carrying all that nonsense i carried yesterday.

sometimes i wonder if its worth the money im getting in return.

in any case.

im feeling really vommmitty.

its the feeling of nausea thats just rather overwhelming.

to know whats going on sickens me, riight to my stomach.

it really does.

2009-03-25T09:17:00.001-07:00

taxing. u damn right.

its hard to see what happens in the house sometimes n not feel for it.

sometimes the shoutings actually really get to me.

the world we live in shouldnt be filled with all this noise that makes us all feel so small.

sounds like that should be put to good use.

i hate it when the whole issue crops up.

i don have any control over any of this but what really kills me inside is the fact that i have to sit back and watch everything unfold in front of me.

i cant help it.

and as much as i don usually show a lot of emotion when such things come along.

theres almost always a breaking point

skepticism.

2009-03-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

hectic. to say the least.

mr linguistic is certainly on the wrong side now. but more than ever, this actually poses a challenge of self satisfaction.

ive done a couple of jobs here n there, but none more meticulous than this.

so i thought the pop corn place was bad. this makes that place look so indifferent, its like comparing the pirates here to that of those in somalia?

goals are set to be made, but i never actually thought that setting them would make such a difference. its good that im actually working towards some of this right now.

im a little startled to say the least.

i really m not living.

im just killing time.

2009-03-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

well i wasnt actually intending too but i realised how an email or 2 can actually cause screw ups.

i stumbled upon a couple of mails from back in 2003 and wow. talk about a long long time ago and being seriously immature.

some things always change in an instant.

others just don change at all.

but really.

feelings, arent they supposed to last.

last a while more at least.

how is it that in a mattter of months, ok maybe just weeks. that things can disintegrate and just be as though nothing ever happened in the first place?

ive been thru this before but companionship and love are different.

cant we all just get that.

headless chicken

2009-03-15T10:43:00.001-07:00

6 alphabets.

2 definite vowels.

1 word to keep me alive.

sugarcoat.

2009-03-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

everything is overrated.

work wasnt that good today.

i had too little fire. too little motivation to have much comission.

when im busy, im swamped.

when im free, im really free and it doesnt actually help that when this scenario happens, i think.

i think too much. i really do.

i should keep these thoughts in my head n limit them to who gets to hear it.

its amazing how pple that know nothing n when i mean absolutely nothing could still get by with how they do, just by using god damn words.

im not out to cheat you, and maybe i should set my target to be that so my sales could rocket.

but really. the feeling will suck if i make u get something that u really shouldnt.

lets get realistic. or rather. winsur should get realistic.

u keep pissing me off and i swear, i might just punch u when i see u.

don make me do it. ill shove the hard drive where the sun doesnt shine.

pass me another pint. i cud do with 5 actually.

i miss you. i really do.

talk about commission.

2009-03-12T08:51:00.001-07:00

the buzz thats supposed to surround me, im not feeling it.

i rem that i said something along the lines of really enjoying mar 12 when it actually comes around.

i don know if its just me being fatigued or really jaded. but i really don seem to feel anything. nothing at all.

ive had more time for reflection, this time for my 2 years of completion.

ive realised that this is technically the official start of my real adult adult adult life, which already consists of everything it is consisting, just more responsibility if i actually think of it. what im talking about would include more bills, more aims, more goals and certainly more money.

ive always wanted my 2 years back but i know for a fact that the past years have given me respite, a time to actually think and be sensible. i cant say the same for everyone but i know that it has taught me what i would never have learnt if i was out there being a total delinquent.

it hasnt been a totally smooth ride but i have to say, ive enjoyed it in some ways. just looking at the testimonial sometimes, it definitely makes me feel good.

out.

2009-03-09T01:11:00.000-07:00

u walk in that certain way.

ur feet shuffle rather quickly.

ur head bobbles a little back n forth.

what grabs ur attention more often than not are babies that are usually cute to say the least.

or should u come across something seriously artistic/one of a kind.

u'll stop and stare, taking it all in at once.

when u eat u would so totally get ur sauces mixed up n ready.

when i want to eat it, u would playfully drag it away from me.

or just freaking shove it into my mouth with all the chilli u can find.

when u get engrossed. u really do.

u start looking at stuff pple don usually look at. and only after, start realising that u actually have ur moments of weirdness.

when u sing, u dance the silliest way possible

and when the words don come out right, ull just make them up along the way.

===========================================================

enough said. i don mean to be a stalker.

i wonder when u will read this but everything is supposed to be simple n easy.

its supposed to be honest so everything will work out in the easiest way possible.

ive allowed my heart to lead me. and it seems like its leading me to this place deep in the amazon. and suddenly im stuck not knowing what i m doing.

theres one thing that im always reminded of by a certain siah siah.

and thats how that u should ultimately always love yourself more than the other party.

most definitely. more true than ever.

its a little difficult. but never ever regret what u do. just live for the moment.

so says another.

being naive is something ive always known i am.

i belief in fairy tales.

some part of me does.

if u actually read this, itll actually show something.

u think u know me very well but really i cant write as well as i hope/think i can

theres no other way to say it but ill say it like i should.

i met someone. it was a total accident. it was the perfect accident if u ask me.

next thing i know, im in a car with u feeling all excited about the future and how neurotic everything can be in an instant.

good news is that person ive met happens to be you.

im not knowing whats next n yes it scares the shit out of me.

but in some ways, i know that if we blink n let things go, we might get lost along the way.

i don know if ill ever get to courage to tell u what i need to tell u and ask u to take this leap of faith on me, but really. one and only one reason comes to mind. u smell like home.

2009-03-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

u are not to blame for.

the closest people are the ones u usually neglect.

ive totally forgotten bout this fren i have.

its a friendship that certainly comes n goes, with spurts of anger in btw no doubt. but there is actually no questioning that we actually know each other for some time now. its funny how its been 7 years.

talked n certainly interesting stuff have come up.

the book of novelty. what men know about women and the book happens to be totally empty

how bout what women know about men.

and we have pages filled with absolute nonsense to begin with

we always almost safely assume that the other party gets ur point. but do we actually get our point across?

soul searching is certainly a must n a definite need.

you are not to blame for bitter sweet distractor

dare not speak its name

dedicated

we seperate like ripples on a blank shore.

2009-03-07T11:50:00.001-08:00

how many times m i gonna allow u to do this to me before actually understanding that im just a fucking dimwit.

2009-03-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

i had the weirdest dream.

so yeah. it came back to bite me in the ass.

i dreamt that a polo captain called me. n told me he was my new PC. which is weird cos thats ever gonna happen. well the story goes with how he was asking for me to actually go back to plt for 1 LAST shot. sounds like the god damn wrestler honestly.

in any case, yes, one last fire. which was apparently huge. so huge that my platoon didnt bother about it and seem so nonchalant. weird weird dream.

i obviously panicked because i returned my bunker a couple of days ago which means that, im fucked.

so yeah. all that while trading stocks n working at the cheesecake cafe.

in any case, the dream was all in a 42 min nap. and i have learnt bout what i really feel bout that platoon.

its pretty obvious that i have been taken advantage of in some senses.

yes im prob the only dam sgt who has never physically gotten his hands dirty in terms of punishing the people around me, but it is a known fact that i never need to have my hands dirty. 1 word n things could be pretty ugly for them.

but. with the dream. its kinda like im suddenly realizing that my time for ns in the past 2 years has been seriously seriously optimized by the god damn force. in every sense of it. they won even let me go in my final 4 days.

---------------------------------------

there was a msg i received admist the really messy scene.

it came from a certain someone.

why why why.

2009-03-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

stuffed to the neck like a turkey at a christmas dinner table.

thats definitely me.

ive seen some vigorous scratching in my life and nothing compares to how u do what u do to ur face.

ive seen some really conscious people bout their weight but nothing beats how u get all so sensitive bout it.

ive seen angelina jolie's lips and urs are not too far off, to me at least.

ive seen people do puzzles at a fast rate, none quite faster den you. mostly quieter, more humble and certainly less frantic too.

ive seen some strong willed people. none of them who be better and more motivated and willing to stand by their reasons like u.

ive seen attractive people in specs, none that cost only 12 bucks.

sleepless with alcohol

2009-03-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

i never quite understand till now the power of alcohol and lack of sleep.

it is supposed to rub off each other if u know what i mean

in any case. i had a little fun watching the cup final. it was actually good to be honest.

far more than anything as compared to the past few days.

what topped it all of was how i never expected anything but still have them lift the trophy after that.

murphy's law

clearly indicates that whatever can go wrong will go wrong

and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way.

well said. never have i heard something better than this, more sensible or less truthful.

isnt that always the case? u wanna hail a cab but u are at the wrong side of the road.

u are queuing up for an atm and u just had to choose the one with a dimwit in front of u.

u know whats wrong but u just had to try proof urself otherwise, thinking its all worth it.

im not saying it hasnt been or that im giving up.

but i guess we all have our moments when our psychology gets the better of us.

this is definately one instance.

regretful.

extremely.

should have n would haves are in a place so far away now. i cant even begin to mention.

i need sleeeeeeeeeeep!

wrong side of the fence

2009-02-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

stay, so faraway so close

always on the wrong side of the fence is an understatement

as i write this, i lay slumped and seriously demoralised.

i have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

the only cure seems to be 25 hoegaardens, it would definately help

not making any sense. but here comes the real shit.

i prob havent been persistent enough in the reminders about how one day, some day, something has got to be done/chosen/solved for us to move pass the stage that we currently find ourselves in.

the fear of having to wake up one day and live my life without u scares the shit out of me. it really does. i guess the whole lesson on over dependence is something that i cant learn. not now n i wish i never have the need to.

my thoughts are not just incoherent.i feel messed up just like u, believe it or not.

sigh.

2009-02-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

what a difference a few hours make.
from being at the incident site to being in the comfort of my home in all of 3 hrs not only amazes me, it surpasses my expectations 10 folds.

so yeah, i was psychologically ready to do this overnight, sleeping on the floor of the jungle yet again n not having the water that i would require to have my body function normally.
but as usual, things took a turn for the unexpected and we were done in no time. the need for us seemed soo flawed a decision, more flaws den those of the national system.

on the other hand, i realised while i was driving a couple of days back that my days as a simpleton are coming to an end and its high time i set my priorities straight.
it used to get me all excited being this close but suddenly, im so messed up about it.

everything seems so uncertain and one thing is for sure, uncertainty kills me.
rem that.

over dress or under dress?

2009-02-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

ive had my fair share of these 2 words the past few days.

am i under dressed?

the next day was, i was kinda afraid u were gonna under dress?

the very purpose of this would be to pen the thoughts of what i perceive of this apparent habit.

it pretty much reflects a lot don u think?

think under dress.

relate it to not being ready.

think about it more and u will get the whole thing with not being prepared. seriously not being prepared if u ask me.

now comes the thing with over dressing.

relate it to being more than ready.

a little exaggerated but definitely the safer option of the 2 if u ask me, even though it leads to moments of over reaction.

which begs the question. which of the 2 would u rather be. would u over react or under react.

over reaction brings about problems that people would usually not want to be associated with .

under reaction. oh my. u don react to a certain problem and be deemed the wooden block of the 21st century.

what we have here is not just a situation on our hands. its an apparent contradiction that we all hate, seem but at the same time love to have

unleashed

2009-02-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

boisterous. ive realised that potential again. it only gets worked up like how adrenaline is. i have to dig it up from me and it starts and ends only from me.

so yes, i have broken another record. and when i say that i don actually mean a record in my own record books. but a record that is more den legit, im sure.
ive had weird images but whatever it is, ive been reminded that these are images that i shouldnt be living my live by, and in fact, make the best out of the situation

in any case, there was this once i asked. would u rather know when u would die, or not know ever. it works both ways. i mean, from my point of view, if i knew, i could react in the 2 most obvious ways. the first of which is to totally give up hope and not live my life wondering why and how it would happen.

the second would to obviously lead it in the best way possible. and make sure that i actually do whatever is in my means to make it the best that it could be. im saying that if i knew that i was leaving this place tmr, ill do whatever rocks my boat, be it the familiar bungee jump or that travelling to different parts of the world to enjoy the sights that both men and god has allowed us to view.

me? im no different.
optimism USUALLY runs thru me.
ive been reading the thing about the australian fire and when i was doing the jet that day, i realised that even though it sounds far fetched, its seriously somehting that could happen to us on this little island. yes we are surrounded by water but whats the worse that can happen? think titanic and the ship that was never suppose to sink is now deep in the ocean bed, with little or no remains.

ive talked about my apparent bucket list but before i do that, i should be thinking of a list to accomplish and goals to wake up to every morning.
for starters, winporting. i need to work that and work it right, thruout whatever period of time i have, thats for sure.
next, you. sort that out really.

2009-02-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

everything i feared has and is slowly coming true.

ive been fearing leaving camp, getting an overdose and just the very fact of waking up one day and not having u there for me.

ive seen the sky turn dark and bright again, albeit with the help of popping tonneeees of those small evil things into my mouth and hoping that i don actually have to see the light anymore.

u used to be there in every way shape or form.

give me back my mind and not leave me the way u have.

karmas a bitch and its certainly seeming to have a thing for making me suffer real bad.

my thoughts are running dry, and so is the blood that runs thru my body. every part of me is shutting down really slowly but surely.

2009-02-02T03:38:00.000-08:00

'winsur can u stop walking up n down n sleep'

these words are echoes in my head. as i type im seated on the chair with my back literally against the wall as my life is now. backed to a corner n no room to retreat.

too much on my shoulders. sometimes its not just work that teaches u that. everything around me is pointing in this direction. i obviously have way too much on my plate, more den i can ever finish up.

i had a whole dam afternoon of activities. from waiting for a fire call that seemed so close, to communicating soo effectively with people about the academy, there seemed to be soo much to do. soo much since the moment i left my car in the parking lot.

but nothing changed. i havent had a peaceful mind in the past 72 hours. explains my god damn zombified look. but no one actually bothers? a tired/problem filled winsur still goes aboout doing what he can and even a winsur at such times can be taken for granted.

what can i say. i havent stopped thinking about u the whole time, right from the time u gave me that look. i must be really sillly but i took that really seriously. if ever, this is the time for me to tell u everything. but sometimes it seems like the song from lifehouse, hanging by a moment. but if only it would end the way the song did.

the past 2 days havent obviously been the most productive/best. it kills me to not be able to talk to u, let alone feel ur presence or even see u. i realise that u 2 have been together for a long time and maybe u felt last night, that he is the one for u again. and compared to me, he wins hands down.

i cant deny the fact that u 2 have a history and its probably really difficult for me to ever impose on u in that sense because, simply we havent had a past to think about. i was mostly building for a future. in every sense of those words.

i mean everything i say. when i said i would like to bring u home, i meant it. when i say i wish u were the mum of my kids, i meant it. when i asked if u mind staying together with my parents, i meant it. all the fucking way thru to the part where i asked if u mind being heard by my parents in that very same house. its utterly inappropriate but i know it would be really funny yet lovely.

we were kinda sorta having a normal relationship, or not? u added that spring in my step and motivated me to work harder for the future. the moment i won the money i did at adam khoo, the only person that i wanted to actually be able to see that very moment was u. i wanted to show to u den and there n despite the fact that i was so young, i was gonna do everything in my fucking might to make things work for the future, in the future.

yes i realise that it prob isnt that im not good enough or inferior in any way, its just the past that u have. but isnt that unfair to me?

the past the present the future. i don know what will be n i cant ever promise u anything. all u need to know is that since the 2nd of dec, ive enjoyed my time with u more den all of the previous 3 combined 3 folds because of one thing n one thing only, i knew right from the start that i loved u. yes at times u drive me mad. the waiting for u when u clear the laundry, to waiting for u to bring down 2 utterly useless things to cash convertors, to cleaning winters crap out of her cage or just waiting to bring u to the doctors, i swear i was driving myself crazy in every sense of the a1 song. but when u came into the car n asked are u angry, u had ur way. u really did. i fell for it soo bad i cant even comprehend now. it doesnt end there. u drive me crazy when u sleep in the car the whole time n not bother bout me when i talk to myself, and worse still not communicate with me when u jolly well know that i could n would in a heart beat.

the only thing i really don wan is for u to drive away from this whole situation and out of my life.

eve of the eve

2009-01-25T04:21:00.000-08:00

nothing has really gotten into me the past days apart from the word responsibility.

it is. overrated. or maybe underrated. lets see

overrated

yeah prob. the responsibility on one can be misused, and severely abused.

a simple task that requires basic honesty and resposibility could go wrong.

a task like waking up at a certain time to work or making calls to clarify an issue are such simple matters to begin with.

but we are humans and the only thing thats common among all of us is the fact that we conform to standards that are just below par at best.

we don do as much as we can, most of the time having an over reliance on another to clear the mess left behind. worse still, we just neglect the simplest of responsibility tasked by a loved one and think its of least importance.

underrated

u damn right this is. i feel that at times. im here. most of the time for that matter.

lets see. okay. the responsibility of so many things usually fall on the tiny shoulders of that one person. and this keeps piling up like the thrash at lorong halus. pple observe and notice the reliability of one, thus realizing the ease of pushing everything to that poor thing. it doesnt stop there. im not just talkin about the responsibilities no, im talking about the definate neglect that would certainly follow. as there is an over reliance, pple just conform and belief that everything should be on that poor souls shoulders, and worse still, not appreciate the simple things that are taken for granted everyday.

what m i saying.

2009-01-20T19:26:00.001-08:00

its made out to seem like its my fault about being in ns. excuse me, as much as i would love for it to not happen, i hate to remind you tat im wasting more of my life den u could ever understand. talk about fucking consolidation, this is in fact a downtrend more den anything else don u think?

its messed up. im feeling like im just running my head straight into the wall. i feel like a piece of clothing on display. ive probably showed u how i am like, and in the sense of a clothing point of view, showed u every angle of this fabric that i seemingly am. if thats not enough, the price too, and where i am made etc etc. ive showed u soo much and ive had little response and a lot of nonchalance. god so help me please. the only way i think u could help would be to do what i think u should do to me. at times this is such a tempting way out of everything, as sad as it sounds.

winporting should help me get thru some tough times. but i need to constantly remind myself about how i should bear the scalability part in mind more den anything else? i need to tink of it in the magnification p.o.v

2009-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

There's another world inside of meThat you may never seeThere're secrets in this lifeThat I can't hideSomewhere in this darknessThere's a light that I can't findMaybe it's too far away...Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm hereRight me when I'm wrongHold me when I'm scaredAnd love me when I'm goneEverything I amAnd everything in meWants to be the oneYou wanted me to beI'll never let you downEven if I couldI'd give up everythingIf only for your good

my definition

2009-01-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

fear - when u wake up one morning and lose track of ur aims/goals in life, and the next thing u know, u've lost everything that is dear to u

niceties - are when u are just over polite with people who don deserve ur time

luxury - when u live the way u love to in terms of materialism, way above ur expectations

greed - when u have what u have, but it isnt enough and u just keep wanting more

love - when u constantly think about and worry about someone and want them to be at their best, be it family or spouses

friends - when u have people who don treat u like enemies, very simple isnt it.

goals - things u want to achieve, setting u on the path of life that u would want to be on

torture - looking at ur face and wondering whats on that mind

if i had a penny for everytime i think about how u think. ill be richer den bill gates. i really would.

2009-01-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

the best birthday presents are usually things that are intangible. like experiences.

its still too early to tell and its a little ironic, but i feel like i just received a present thats both intangible, yet costly at the same time.

ive seen the look on peoples faces when they hear that i was actually sent to wealth academy. it sounds like a total an absolute fraud considering how its an "investment" on my education by sissy, or in her words, the only present ill ever get that could actually kickstart/set me in motion.

im not talking about anything thats supposedly too life changing but a course that actually educates u on what u require to know before dabbling into foreign land.

the things ive learnt from the 60 hours ive spent in 3.5 days at that seat my ass was glued too was more den just the bollingers, parabollic sar or candlestick magic tricks ill ever learn. it taught me the importance of a few matters. first of which, is ur network. i shall not talk about this but starting this soon should honestly be a real priority.

next would be the importance of not generalizing. i was probably the youngest, if not 2nd youngest, in an environment that was filled with people of an average age of 30s+ going on the 40s. and seriously, i looked like a clown in there. these people were actively participating in terms of asking questions and having queries on the more important stuff. as usual, i take a back seat to everything n analyse before attempting to make myself look stupid. as what i always say, if ure good enough, u're darn well old enough.

now the thing that really pissed me off was how the people around me seemed to have this general feeling about me. i might come across as rather arrogant/ignorant at the first impression but dont get me wrong, we all have our traits and like sissy, we actually belong to group of people that are most polite in every way possible. i hate to say this but sissy got more attention den me and its not that im jealous, im just wanting pple to know that u can look like how u look, but shouldnt be generalised

i won my entire salary last night in a game that was spread out over 10 parts, testing ur money management skills more den anything else when it came to investing in property and analysing a stock. i could say that we had the same strategy, implanted right from the start. the only difference was that single house that i had, more den her. i was probably using my head more in terms of squeezing my money and literally milking it for what its worth. im seriously glad and proud that i made it into the top 8, 7 to be exact. i lost to people who were obviously better den me, but that doesnt really matter. it seemed like the people that i actually proved wrong along the way that gave me more satisfaction more den anything else.

its a game, yes n i shouldnt be taking the results too seriously but honestly, when u put in 200 and have a chance of 10800, its all about being opportunistic, isnt it? the winnings, i invested into my education, the first time ive ever done that n im sure it wont ever go to waste. the purpose of this post is to actually constantly remind myself of the one thing that i wanna do for the rest of my life that i read from kiyosaki's book.

the greatest satisfaction in owning something new is when u own it thru the means of ur financial intelligence.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

seriously. im disappointed. i think i deserve a more upbeat answer.

and to think about it, im soo disappointed that im really really in a bad place now.

kill me.

desertion / wild card

2009-01-06T04:03:00.000-08:00

the year has started butt not in the way i would like it to. however, the first post with real thought has come in the form of a macbook, which i love and was advised against getting. however, i refuse to budge. i really refused.

tongue tied. fingers locked.

i need to get used to this.

im in a bad place. there is no doubt about that. the past 5 days havent honestly been set in the most ideal of situations if u know what i mean. ive been stuck in camp, made to feel dispensible for a moment, and indispensible the next. the thought of that is not only utterly contradicting/ but disgusting. it just shows that im being taken advantage of and milked for all that im worth.

u call and talk about the least sensitive stuff in terms of giving me my time off. i dare say there is not a doubt u have no other person more deserving than me to have 6 fucking duties off. u can take these 6 duties n count them against all the sleepless nights ive had for u, before judging me with ur green eyes. im different from u. im supposed to serve n back off but im soo full of having my hands in the situation that u're prob more reliant on me den any other sect comd u ever had. arggh.

den we have the thing about companionship/love.

its often confused and its never as simple as the words seem to be but put it this way. companionship is a subset of love. its pretty much all that. u need to love the companionship and company before it can ever develop to love.

with that being said, there are times where companionship is just enjoyed and its never fully taken to the next level. i mean, the potential for love is never fulfilled and just neglected. its hard to explain but theres just a difference btw the 2.

and the car wash helps to clear my mind. thoughts have come about, including how saddad once told me that the thing about love is that u actually allow that love one u have to pretty much do whatever he/she wants to do and still love despite how the rest of the morons out there cant appreciate it. cited examples are when one of u just talks to much / scratches the face ALL DAY / ponders over 3 dollars containers for over 45 mins / sleeps while conversing over the phone / gets all angsty over little matters. man u get my point. and when i say u get it, u prob would. and at times, still complete my sentences for me. growl.

im obviously not saying that its all only about that. its also about how im intrigued, illusioned n prob illusioned by ur actions. at times, u have that difference in u that makes me feel like u're seriously a cut above the rest of us. u really do. sigh.

im not making sense? its the fatigue. but im confused really. i don know what my next step is. its like playing chess and im prob a few moves away from checkmate but suddenly, i have doubts over the fact that i should even be competing considering my lack of credentials.

we've talked about achievements over the years and its about time. the living example of what would be detrimental to my family is within the house and i have to just constantly remind myself of what i don want to appear like in a decade.

ive sat down n thought about my bills and goals over the next 3 years. excited. hardly. motivated, most fucking definately. i need to make this work. when u look at me and wait for me to trip and fall on my face, the more im gonna rebel n show u how it should be done the way u know im capable of. after all, i AM the wild card and the equalizer in this whole equation. just watch. and remind me on a daily basis of what im capable of

2009-01-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

i hate the fact that im back here. im made to feel like im just an extended part of this family that is actually indispensible.

i hate how i try to make my feelings known but everytime i actually do that, i seem to sense an air of nonchalance around u.

i hate how i am, im seriously pissed off at how the running just suddenly doesnt seem to be working in terms of clearing my mind anymore.

i hate how i let everything go, the moment u give that smile.

i seriously seriously SERIOUSLY hate it when i try my very bestest to convince u on the need of a certain something and u just refuse to listen, basically because u think u know better. i don doubt the fact that u are a rather intelligent girl, but sometimes, listening and filtering the good/bad points could work wonders.

i just HAVE a lot of hatred in me. most of which im getting the feeling is for myself, and nothing seems to be for u.

2009-01-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

i didnt think that it would be appropriate. but just by that alone, i think its the cause of my current suffering.

clogged up mind is what i have now. im obviously a litttttle paranoid and i cant begin to explain the little disappointment thats creeping into me slowly.

please please please please please not disappoint me.

fly away

2009-01-01T13:43:00.001-08:00

walk.
left or right.
do i actually walk away now and save everyone the trauma?

2008-12-24T08:54:00.001-08:00

nothing beats an ice cold beer and an apparent bucket list.
nothing final out of the list but thoughts are flowing, and my mind is subconciously engineering its greatest achievement yet! the show prob came up with all of 15 from 2 pple who had a combined age of 150++ to say the least. so coming from a 20 yr old, this shouldnt be hyper extended if u know what i mean.

im seeing it and i really hate to be it. im seeing what i don wanna become in 30 yrs. worse still, each time i see u, its a bigger reason for me to motivate and remind myself of what i honestly wouldnt wanna be. its really harsh for me to be saying that of u, and don get me wrong but i really do treasure all u have done for me since the moment i was conceived but ur actions at times just really leave me stranded. im trying hard enough so please, im not asking for appreciation or acceptance but just a little consideration.

2008-12-22T07:53:00.000-08:00

its been a few days and unpredictability is just an understatement.
i went for the match live and nothing beats nostalgia.
yes i get u. i hate watching it LIVE sometimes cos u really don know whats going on.
its different frm having it on ur LCD where everything is crystal clear, and goals are just properly defined. in any case, the atmosphere is just different n to be able to actually feel ur emotions together with 50000 other pple, thats just something u wanna feel once in a while.

well, the match pissed us off big time. we lost to a team full of play actors. i personally admire a player of ronaldo's calibre but ive never condone his diving. the viets were like diving as though it was the vietnam war all over again n there were bullets flying around?! argh. its fucking football, not captain's ball. toughen up n stop playing like pussys!

on to more serious stuff.
sometimes i think i should give u time to think cos it appears to me thats what u need? but other times i relaise that yeah, we're soo god damn comfy with each other.

u talk about making pple ur habits? i don want to just be another habit to u. i wanna be more den that u know? i shuld be a certain muscle spasm of urs? like how u're alwys saying ure cold? yeah. i wanna be something like that. u're prob gonna brush me off as nonsense but really. if i were to put it simply, i ought to be that reflex action of urs, or or second nature to everything u do?
habit can sound mean. really.

patience is a virtue we should all learn to have. and windy always learns stuff the hardest way possible. its like as though i always seem to have 2 options but subconciously, i pick the harder of the 2, for whatever reasons i cant comprehend as it seems like asking if either the chicken or the egg came first?

and whatever i said last night about home n coming over. i meant it. u prob didnt take me seriously but correct me if im wrong, u looked like u were thinking about it too? i hope its mutual, and that u will get the same thing with me soon but it doesnt matter, u could take ur time. all i honestly want is that crazy kitten smile.

2008-12-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

talk about underrated n underused.
2 terms came about from the whole of yesterday that kept setting me to think.
kinda works like how the bell does for grandma. the words came in, triggered thoughts that seemed soo unlikely, and got me thinking. the first is just said in the song. the other. i heard 4 times in the space of 1 hour from 4 different conversations, albeit the fact that out of the 4, 3 times it rocked the show known as californication.

btw. fornication = sexual intercourse, especially on the part of an unmarried person (from wikitionary, just for YOU) haha. this is just to make sure u trust the fact that i actually know what im talking on a regular basis in that egoistic tone of mine, n im not making it sound like i know when im actually the empty vessel u think i am? =x as u would say it, next!!

light of day. well. this could mean a million different things if u actually think about it n think hard enough. its kinda sorta not really like how light at the end of the tunnel works? but it is?

oh well. hypocrisy is all around me as i speak. n i hate this. i hate u sissy. u always leave me alone, in the lurch with these pple! talk about feeling weird n out of place. i shall research n do more effective reading!

2008-12-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKGHVpV7V3k

im not living
im just killing time
ur tiny hands
ur crazy kitten smile.

2008-12-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

to me, naturally, u enjoy urself most when u do it with the person u love.
it could be something utterly senseless and stupid, and it could dam well be the lousiest u've ever had but just having it with the right person wud make everything not only seem right, it would definately feel like its the best darn thing that ever happened.

the issue of logevity in this relationship prob frightens the holy crap out of the 2 of us. nothing is actually ever gonna seem that assuring when u first start. but who can actually tell the future right?

ive been thinking long n hard n it didnt help that last night was a total disaster.
from the time i went for a sale that was hardly a testament to its name, to the shoutings, all the way thru the period where the fridge just wouldnt dispense the ice that i soooooo desperately needed to cool my god dam ass off. the punching bag was just in the wrong persons hands. i felt bad that he couldnt/didnt dare to punch/kick that hard but im sorry. i sincerely apologise but i had to do it. it felt like i was worthy of a cobain moment myself with the whole shotgun in my mouth.

and i set off this morning with the feeling that i prob wasnt the only one having one of the lousier nights in my life. this was a stark contrast to the feeling i had felt the previous night, with all the excitement in my head. i was blasting the songs n radiohead as usual makes me feel better. but just when i turned out onto the slip road n saw the sign that indicated my camp, 2 things happened at the same time. a message and a song to compliment it. i didnt have to read it. i just couldnt help but burst.

talking to u made me feel a lot better in every sense of it possible.
u know there are some qualities i would love to have or already think im moulding myself to have. the first of which would be to emulate a certain style of a player i truly admire. he plys his trade by what seems to me are the very basics den one shuld definately adopt in life.

the first is not being fazed by the occassion. u know no matter how old u are, u are old enough if u are good enough. no one is gonna tell u that ure too young or too old. definately not the god damn sticky situation u might find urself in. in fact, it should only propel u onto greater things n spur u on to make choices, decisions n have dreams greater den the rest.

the second. god. ive lived by this since i was 16, just after i started working. thats dogged determination. i cant talk about how i really have this but if u know me, u prob realise that when i work, im usually not as smart as i shuld be. i mean it should mostly be work smart n not hard but the many pple who have worked with me n know me well enough ccan testify that poor lil windy usually belongs to the group of the latter, thus not excelling as much as he can at times. i know i need to wisen up a little in this aspect n hopefully, the service has opened my eyes in ways only i can comprehend. but i ultimately believe that hard work should pay off, in ways n forms u cant ever see.

and as such, i should definately be applying this to what we have. u know. im never gonna let this determination go cos im really sure i know what i want, for the first in a very very long time.

impulsive u might say but the longer i look and work at this, the more i love. and for that very matter, everyday i live here on out shuld serve as a reminder for me to make things work, and allow me to just show u what im worth in every sense of it all.

2008-12-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

part 1

2008-12-17T03:57:00.000-08:00

a bad thing that happens is usually followed by a million other mishaps.

flashback to the day u were just at macdonalds. i actually gathered the courage to actually decide to call u and it was the logical thing to do, instead of actually waiting for a reply that might never come.

there at mackers u stood, with what seemed like poise and gracefulness. i hope im not putting u too high up on the pedestal but seriously, that was what u seemed like.it seemed to me as though the 2 yrs had never passed u by the moment we actually started talking normally. and the memories that followed seemed like they werent all that faraway to begin with. they were mostly fond, one of which particularly funny, and yes it cracks me up the same way it would to u how we got caught and did things the way we did on that day. but u rem the sandwich and how we were enjoying it? at that particular moment it seemed like nothing would go wrong. nothing at all. in that instant, despite the fact that we were at the hospital visiting someone who was terribly ill, it seemed like happiness was in the making.

the scar brought u to my attention but i have to say, it wud be mean of me to just say that the scar alone is worthy of my time. put it really simply. the scar brought the goodness of u to me n vice versa. at times i say that my boss, who gave u my number, seemed to bring me all the misfortune with making me get to know u and everything. but other times, i think its prob the best thing i ever got in return for all my hardwork at sb.

love at first sight? hardly? physical attraction? definately not with how i look like crap. but gradual love. i hardly doubt so.

the days n nights that i spend with u, despite the 2 yrs apart, are definately memories i will treasure. but i hope they don just remain memories, distant in the extreme case, like what i say. i have loads more in store for u. be it the pouty lips, the skin centre promise or just the fats u claim to have, i have more dissing in store for u, together with loads of hopes about a relationship which i honestly hope could be beautiful, if given a chance.

gloves.

when i say fit like a glove, i mean feeling really comfy. its like putting a baby in a cot? thats random but honestly. its hard to put it in words. nontheless, i shall attempt. its that look i get from u when i hold u close. the way u actually feel when u're in the car on the highway with me, n vice versa? all comfy and hoping that time would actually be stuck at that very moment? or even how u look when i talk about the scar, all angsty but not knowing whether to laugh?. deep inside, u know i love it n u're comfortable with it. u know its hard to explain this gloveliness btw us, but i somehow feel its mutual. sometimes i actually wonder if i ever felt love from anybody. and at times, i feel it from u? i hope im not jumping ahead of the gun or just rocking the boat over vigorously but i honestly feel it?

whatever the decision u make, im actually not really ready for a bad one honestly. and deep inside, i yearn for u to choose me. i don think it could suck more den the 2 yrs ive had without u.

closure. ive never had any. i don want any. i wish everything with u would blossom into a lot more den just what it is. in fact, i wish it wud float on n allow me to be able to show u how much i actually really appreciate ur being and everything.

dear god.the only thing i ask of u is to hold u when im not around when im much to far away.
i seem to have so much more to say.

true love waits.

2008-12-17T01:50:00.000-08:00

just when i said i was enjoying myself with u, things took a turn for the worse.im not he sharpest knife the the drawer, but certainly aint in the last few drawers if u know what i meani reckon im somewhere in the middle but when it comes to stuff as such, im like a fucking chopping board.
ive basically placed myself on the line n i really have no one and nth to blame for my stupidity but myself.i really cant begin to tell u how much it sucks deep inside but i think lying to u bout it wud make whatever choice u make less painful den it already is.i have a tonnes of ideas in my head about things i needa b doing but i cant get this off my head. my head seems to be spinning faster den a fucking steering wheel when i was driving just a couple of mins ago?and u know. u are the light of the day, the thing that actually made the transition from night to day oh soo smooth for me.and sometimes i hope its just me n u running thru that monsoon making things work when we come out of it all.fuck. i love u.

midnight.

2008-12-15T05:50:00.000-08:00

what a ride.
talk about a roller coaster day of events. the moment it struck 12, it seemed weird. really. now im hoping for something thats prob never gonna happen.

leaving me to hang. it reminds me of this song hanging on a moment here with u by lifehouse. the words just perfectly describe how i feel. maybe at the rate this is at, this is just not it. but i cant begin to explain to u how i honestly think its all good when im actually WITH WITH u. when im not, i seem to feel all this nonsense im feeling. just tell me how u feel and that u wanna be with me. thats all i ask for before midnight.

2008-12-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

the need to clean today comes with the need to actually eradicate the more unhealthy parts of my life. the keyboard im typing on has certainly got itself some rough treatment for something that really shuldnt be faulted for. but i really didnt know what to do. and for once in my life, i realised the saying bout how u shuld clean when ure upset ACTUALLY works. i mean. i took a deep breathe n started wiping. like there was no tmr.

but who m i lying to at this stage, i shuld have certainly known better den to expect a picture of goodness admist the mess i have found myself in. s

subconciously, i know this would happen but the conscious mind was certainly in its biggest denial yet. a bed of roses arent what they seem suddenly but the whole thing with extra baggage shuld seem quite apparent and normal if u actually think about it.

pls fast forward n put winsur into a time capsule, catapult him into a place 5 yrs from now cos he really doesnt wanna go thru the process. u know they say its the journey and not the destination u shuld ultimately enjoy? i think otherwise. especially today.

2008-12-10T02:43:00.000-08:00

12 hrs later. some things have changed, more secrets out of the window n suddenly i feel like crap. sigh u know i always get this crappy phase within. like one moment im fine but at the mention of a certain something, ill be like the snail that i usually am, and back into that shell of mine i go and i would suddenly reflect 3 folds?

put it this way, its killing me softly as how the song was made famous but in the words of another song, my hopes are so high that ur kiss will kill me.

oh my. what am i saying.

hanging by a thread

2008-12-09T15:03:00.001-08:00

once again u've done it. im left hanging here not knowing what happened, its as if a train just hit me n left me for dead.

u have that ability to cast that spell on me n i seriously do not appreciate the fact that here i am sitting all fucking night waiting for u and i have no clue where u are because its just not in me to question ur beinng and doing.

i reckon this is technically the worse night EVER. all the damn planning ive done has gone to waste just like how another off day is in the drain.

im lost in this mess. someone show me the light please.

2008-12-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

u know songs come and go but there are always that few that would get u all excited just when it starts. its kinda how u just wouldnt be bored listening to it non stop all day cos it actually knows how u feel and just the sound of it soothes ur soul.

well these days, im a cross btw everything. from coldplays the scientist, tokio hotels monsoon, sevenfolds dear god and the killers human. i cant actually explain how i feel either.
its like u take these 4 songs, put them all in a food/word processer, mix it up reallll nice and spit everything out. its abit of everything listed above. all at once.

the past week has thought me to prob never stick my nose in business i reallly shouldnt be sticking it in again. its kinda my fault where i am right now but at the same time, u cant blame me for i've been thinking bout this foor soo dam long wondering if i actually had another shot. its just bringing a little more pain den it shuld.

thus the need for more tkd. when i kick and punch, i picture a face i saw vaguely 3 yrs ago. and that face i really needa vent my frustrations on. about time i actually put my dam anger together with a coloured belt that would mean something in someways.

after thought

2008-11-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

oct 29 till now is a real long time to be honest. soo long i can actually use all my toes and fingers to actually get the number of days.

and talk about awkwardness. im falling.

distortion

2008-10-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

after 2 yrs. god. what m i thinking.

nowhere close, somewhere far.

2008-10-20T06:30:00.001-07:00

i just had a flash, in the words of a certain chuck. of a certain 6 yr old kid, not knowing the consequences of a slippery floor, jumping up and down on it when his sister and dad was in his sight. talk about tell me how to live by audioslave, i probably was too young but i didnt know what death was by cerebral haemmorrhage.

bout 15 yrs later, i get the same thing. im playing ball on a slipper surface and i see my dad come back and i know the dangers. if only i was smart enough 2 yrs ago to not do the things i did and ACTUALLY cherished what i have.

on a brighter note, im realising that things are kinda sorta changing for some of us and im leading myself to believe that its only a matter of time before my situation gets better. i mean i shuld believe in karma and rem that i havent been too evil a person and as such, i will b rewarded handsomely. im not looking for anything tooo gracious. just a little more compassion n talk time. but first, ill require some guts.

someone give me that rank instead.

2008-10-17T22:28:00.001-07:00

im severely underpaid, being called on days off and bothered bout things that i have little or no control over. it seems like a job in the public affairs department where i have to please the whole dam world, everybody else but myself. talk about golden boy. it sucks to be in my shoes, especially during an off day.

imagine waking up to calls at fucking 8am in the morning when u know u have no business answering them. it doesnt help that the caller doesnt realise that hes being a total douchebag and is utterly persistant to get my sleepy ass on the other line. and just when u pick up, they realise, ooh wait i called the wrong person, hes off duty and he really shuldnt have a clue bout whats happening today.

thats not enough. i have a secondary pain in the ass which i obviously cant get rid off. pple are begging me for days off but i don have the authority to grant them their right. cant they motherfucking understand that i have no powers. why are pple, carrying the same rank as me, asking me the same question that ive been tryin to answer for 235r123526t mths now!!

why cant u stupid blind bats just open ur eyes and stop being so oblivious to the fact that we are in our current state now because of 1 asshole who carries 2 pips on each side of his shoulder but yet sleeps more den all of us combined? u fuckking dimwits. but that aside, u guys are bats, blind by nature, so what more should i expect from u guys right? i needa seriously get out of my current predicament. its not doing me any good that frustration is getting the btter of me on this saturday afternoon. WHY M I ANSWERING WORK CALLS ANYWAY!

failing

2008-10-13T01:19:00.000-07:00

what makes a good show is the music. u could say that again. like a million times and u realise that it really is right. talk about OST to little snippets playing. it cant be more true.

well anyway. i realise my bet ends in 2 days n i cant begin to explain how ive failed sooo utterly miserably. lets hope i don fail again tmr.

great pretenders.

2008-09-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i whined about the scores. but i shuld. and a record of 1 win in 6 games speaks for itself. this is hardly any sort of championship form. this suits the coca cola league more den anything else. i mean. i wud be surprise if they don get relegated if they continue to play the way they have been. its utterly annoying.

why cant u motherfuckers put the ball behind the net. its THAT simple. haha. or so i claim. but seriously. with the awesome foursome, there really isnt a reason to not do it right isnt it?

in other serious matters that have occured over the week, im proud to say that i got soo much sleep last night that i really don think ill b needing any for like, 3 weeks. or maybe im just lying

option b

2008-09-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

these 2 words are still stuck in my head. today is technically my fault but the whole deal with option b is still floating around in there. i realise that in no uncertain terms. ill always be option b. and with that in mind. i shuld look further den just being that option b. i shuld b the first option available.

with that said. im kinda screwed considering how i have 3 hrs to sleep but i just cant get any again. i get this really often nowadays. i need pills. i needa be like towelie. in any case. i need start being that young person that i once was, live a little like a jackass and have a little fun. that makes everything a lot easier.

i said some stuff bout doing not so glamorous things in my life last night. but i shuld prob do it more often, make more mistakes and learn from them cos only den wud i know what a joy it is to be how i am right now. this is just pure blabbering.

2008-09-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

i feel like im inspired. i feel like i cud go for a jog right now at 2.46 in the morning. but im just kidding myself. i prob m too lazy to do it.

im just home and although there were silences and shit, it was quite nice. like we actually TALKED. n there were moments when we completed each others sentences. it made perfect sense for once. all she ever said about same wavelength actually made sense. in any case. its a little too much hassle and she has FAR too much to gain/lose. and its prob the same for me.

on the other hand. i just realised how big a jerk that fella is. i mean. dude. u are soo full of urself. i mean u shuld look in the mirror and realise how full u actually look. seriously, u look fuller den fuller's earth. u prob don know what that is but its just figurative. so its okay. just allow me to be smart. =)

and that. that made me realise how i wud prob succeed. i lost the touch, i definately did. but i cud certainly work it. n work it i must.

losing my religion.

2008-09-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

16 hours of rest and 2 aaron eckhart movies squeezed in btw with a 10 mins preview of tropic thunder. i think i made use of my day. i really did.

in any case. yeah. how ironic. 2 aaron eckhart movies in a row n i didnt even realise. well he is obviously underrated. and most of us are. underrated and under used, efficiently in terms of potential. realised that in my brief conversation as where i shuld be placed to work efficiently. i really shuldnt be getting my hands dirty even though i like to. it puts u on the same level as pple and they know u understand. HOWEVER, there are too many pple who thinks they are bettter. im done.

brain fried tonight thru misuse

2008-08-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

tonight marks the return of a certain prodigal son.
a return that was really not wanted.
it comes at an absolutely wrong time. one when windy is still sufferring from spurts of stomach cramps. yes he sounds meeeeeekly fagggottish. but please do not remind him. if not, he'll show u what hes made of in the oval office of his. literally made up of.

oh well. im freakishlllly sad im condemn back there but the consolation is that its only for a mth so its gonna be like driving thru the underground tunnel. for moments im under the tunnel, wondering whats ahead of me, den suddenly i see the light at the end of the tunnel before heading back into a hole full of uncertainties. somehow that doesnt make too much sense.

im supposed to be getting some shut eye now but i decided against it for the very simple reason that i have too little time n i will probably wake up really cranky and groggy, too bad a condition for me to be in to drive. and just den, it got me thinking.

submissive. i just suddenly thought of the word.. i wikied the word to get an absolute spot on definition of it n i got these:
one who submits
sounds like wrestling so i decided to look at the synonyms:
docile
meek
slavish
timid

den as i type this, i suddenly rem the case of road rage i seeeem to have everyday that i drive. im fucking irritated as hell that pple sound their horns or like fucking look at me when i drive. fucking douchebags. cant u fucking see the freaking triangle. if u cant see it. im gonna print one soo big that it covers ur damn windscreen. in any case. credit shuld be given. u see, ive barely passed for a month now and driving is obviously not my second nature as of yet so u freaking turds need to realise why pple actually have their p plates on. i m proposing a ban, demerit points and even time behind bars for pple who actually take advantage of us.

yes we are using the triangle. but that doesnt allow u to honk at me when im driving at 50 on a road which CLEARLY states 50km/hr as its speed limit. im obeying the rules, u arent. so dont force me to break em. i only have 12 points to spare u dimwit.

well that isnt it. u pricks need to remember the times when u just passed n stopp acting like asswipes to triangle kids. and if u fuckers don stop, its only a matter of time before that sarcastic smile slowly disappears and becomes a finger accompanied by the shoving of as many triangles i have in the car up ur ass. to reiterate my point, heres a link to help u : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finger_(gesture)

fucking frustration. ive had it.

2008-08-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

its been a long long long long time and i swear i cant rem the last time i actually did this. well the period of time between the last time ive blogged has been filled with periods of certain excitement which is slowly turning into resentment and great hatred.

im thru with being the do it all person.
i kinda sorta think that they'll still turn to me but in terms of recognising my fucking efforts, ive had nth in terms of appreciation. absolutely zilch. pisses the shit out of me and its certainly getting on my nerves. he can start treating me the way he does but im starting to wonder if i shuld do the wrong thing and just fuck him over. i regret not doing more in terms of trying to get away but the chances i got were so cruelly taken away from me and they happened twice. how fucked up can that be.
sometimes u don bite the hand that feeds u, i get that. but other times, u don fucking step on the hands of someone who has worked soo dam hard for u, and expect that poor soul to continue shedding sweat and blood they way he does. this thing has gone on in my head for the past 2 nights and its getting on my fucking nerves.

and god so help me if u start changing again and i realise the only reason u change is because of the 4 wheels, i might just run u over with my lemon.

10 rules to live by.

2008-07-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

all it takes is 1 idea. and that comes after 100 bad ideas.
unfortunately for me. im stuck at 1 bad idea of making money after 2 yrs. i need to start living by a straight set of rules as it is said. i really ought to. stick em in my mind. stick em up my brains. i neeed to start.

so yes. back u are. a little nonchalant u seem but who the hell cares? i need all the wittiness in the world n it kinda sorta worked a little yesterday. like a little magic here and there. that aside. thats it. i feel dumb i didnt do anything right there and then cos here on out, im gonna regret. i saw the return looks but i honestly have NO clue cos i started staring first. so lets just hope u appear again somewhere down the line n give me a reason to approach. from now till den. its just a hopeless cause as it always is.

that fat nut always makes a little point here and there. thats why i even agree to hang out with her. she has here views and some times, she makes more sense den i give her credit for.

whats with the fucking blabbering. give me a dam break.

draining.

2008-06-06T05:54:00.001-07:00

this has been a reallly straining week. mentally. everything has been soo sudden. yes i enjoyed that one day off. den suddenly everything changed. in a bad way.
the messages traded with sissy has been really traumatic. n i havent spoken to her in so long that im actually scared now. i wonder what the fuck shes doing. i don deserve to know but i deserve a response? contradicting but i AM contradicted now. im so screwed in the head im actually pissed off. den everything with the family. FUCK MAN. i havent seen my dad in ages n mum makes me feel guilty. i deserve to know everything because i AM part of the family but they are all keeping it from me. m i some kind of outsider. i swear i wanna cry at the thought of them shouting at each other with sarcastic thoughts.

den the fact i quarrelled with her that badly. god. and everything at woodlands is killing me. i tot a new PC cud help but not. i literally ran the show for him to watch yesterday n i think he is quite impressed. that aside. im just another messanger. again.

point of no return

2008-05-31T06:38:00.001-07:00

the thought of taking mdis den was a fucking stupid move i swear but considering how i didnt have enuff money den. its something i cant control. that amt of money vs the time im gonna waste. its technically intangible but lets just put it this way. it takes a while to mature.

if i start. i cant fucking start till april. which happens to b both good and bad. bad because. fuck man. i have to wait. AGAIN. good because. good golly god its just after i ORD. that has to b godsent but not quick enuff definately.

maturing late is a prob. "i was threading water and living like a hippie for 2 yrs on my own" chilling words n those 2 yrs might come back to haunt me.
i thought i did fine. u dam right it allowed me to mature n learn a lot on my own bout independence but i guess u have to fail at some point. being perfect all the time is apparently something that is harder to achieve for me den passing the broad jump; totally unrelated but u get my point.

i was never smart enuff to realise what was next and i think if i ever have my offspring. thats the most important thing i need to tell them of. whats next on the never ending highway of education. i mean. i certainly got the whole point of jc/poly. but never did i realise what was in store after that. i have no one to blame but myself for the naviety never got into my head n i thought i was doing fine. as they say. ignorance is bliss, and that very fact for which i was ignorant about it, is sad. its done n dusted but certainly i wud live to regret it. ron says stop regretting bout life n i need to stop living it the way i m n start making things work.

u know. some pple take longer but u eventually get there n when u get there. the success of it is sweeter den the chewing dragees thats lying on the table. that aside. sissy made sense of it all by talkking bout the drive n putting it simply in perspective. u cud certainly do other things to keep u motivated now. and when it comes. ure gonna jump at the opportunity like never before. im ACTUALLY EAGER FOR SCH
i wan to go back to sch. first time in the 19.5yrs i have been breathing that i miss sch. ah. fuck. windy has got to make up his mind

24

2008-05-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

start.
european glory. finally. at an age where i make sense of it.
duel with my arch nemesis, the broad jump went in a great way as i stood toe to toe n kicked it right in the chin.
and next a scene that came straight from a music video i swear. i quote "I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man." i'll let ur live ur life cos it wont be fair to u if u have another fuck tart who bothers u like travis. whatever it is. take care n u look great. just that it was just a reality check. big fat slap right in the kisser. of well.

i realise how i didnt deserve to be in the same train as u. god. m i that pathetic n have i done that much wrong? sigh.

And i dream about somewhere, a smoke will fill the air
As i lay awaken and wait for you to walk out that door
I can change, i can change, i can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, i'm the same, i'm the same, what do you want me to be?

i cant wait.

2008-05-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

this is nonsense really.
it sucks to have ur fate dictated by a single phone call which cud threaten to place u in a cell where u spend ur time facing 4 walls. it really sucks. yes discipline is instilled but even outside of these camps, money is used to threatened us. so how is actually fair for our lives to be dictated by a call. worse still. after all the hard work u actually put in. how is it actually worth it. i get no recognition. my heart aches just watching how this works. its not even my job to begin with.

the wait is certainly killing me softly. n im trying so hard not to think about it but to no avail of course. i really need march the 13th to come around. again. n quickly at that. the bad news is. from now till den. i have more den 280 days. fucking kill me pls.

error in judgement.

2008-05-15T01:40:00.001-07:00

may.
never a mth i used to like. for different reasons as the yrs go by but just another reason to not like this.

ive been taught a rather severe lesson to not sleep so much. and take life more seriously. like how this guy always says. ull sleep forever one day. just make the best of everything now. so yes. rewind to that day. i was done with driving. of which i had a great 15 mins. everything was great and i did absolutely nothing wrong. i swear if i drove like that during the test. it'll go well. den as usual i lost concentration n focus. i suck really. after driving. thru out the lesson. i dwelled on paying him a visit cos of wat mum said. she actually said gasping for his breath. n so i called dad after driving and he told me bout going the next day because there was prob no 1 there n he honestly wont b able to recognise me without dad. next thing i knew, i had a call while on duty just before midnight. this was one hell of a bad time to call. my dad obviously knows when i work so he wont have called, unless absolutely necessary. n his words were really sharp.

that made me feel even worse. that wise old man. who had prob done a job i wud love to have n read more books den i will ever dream of, the same old man who is in a good way responsible for filling up my house cabinets with wrestling videos enuff to open a shop. ive talked about how watching western shows help the english thing n i swear he has a huge part to play in it. i sat in the bus on the way to the crematrioum and i realised he recorded videos for me for about 6 yrs. non stop without fail. n all i cud have done was visit him that last time. thats the best i cud do for him but instead. i went against that ever evil gut feeling of mine n went back to camp. how fucking stupid can i get really.

i need help for nes roms.

2008-04-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

flashback eh. to a year ago. i rem myself sitting in front of that pale looking cupboard inside that lifeless room of strangers telling myself that everything wud end. soon. one year on. it sure as hell isnt soon enuff. as i sat there one year ago, i rem being really tired, drained and afraid of what was den my arch nemisis which came in the form of really thick protective gear. now, its more of a fren. i wish i cud actually be doing it now. i mean. i wud rather work my ass of from 8-5 and den get my night off for time with my family n myself. sure as hell isnt the case.

so yes. i have my options totally open but it seems like a long way away from being in the position i long to be. sigh

on a brighter note. the iphone works alright now. the whole sms bug seems to have stopped, albeit the duration it will work for is unknown. i hope it does for a long long time. in a week, i will know of the success of upgrading its version and den b able to tell my frens of it. amazing thing was that it seemed to have only taken half an hour for this to work. wow. why did i procrastinate in the first place.

next up. trying to fit nes roms in. i need it.

stagnation

2008-04-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

in the words of a certainn fren. the fireman test. oh yes. it is tmr. and i had like 20 hrs notice. tts like freaking ripoff. do u know it cud potentially be worth 1800 dollars worth of rubbish i cud pay for, which happens to include a license which is suddenly vanishing. well anyhow, yes the fireman test. god dammit.

oh yes. ive been looking high and low and thinking where the fuck my rich dad poor dad is. it took my an entire week to realise that i havent got it back from a certainl someone i lent it too. u see, my sudden realization of my stagnating financial life freaks me out. i shuld certainly be making use of the time. its been said before, start young n u freaking sluts cant catch up with me. and i know i needa read and refresh myself with all that stuff i enriched myself with pre-ns period.

driving was apparently scary. his words and i quote, "we'll start from here today. don't worry, aint no cars. just drive slow." er. sorry sir but slow in my dictonary is an overstatement. i drive at like 2km/h. i swear when i was driving and looking at my rearview mirror, half the time i felt bad for hogging the road. esp at the turns. i can sense from the car's body language (wth is this i know) that they wanna drive but i was like a fat guy at the entrance of a train door, no one cud pass me by. thats besides the point. it was one hell of a driving lesson till the last 20 mins. i lost interest, patience n a whole load of composure. i just didnt wanna drive anymore n i culdnt get the car to stop at traffic lights properly. scary shit i know. maybe just maybe the driving genes werent passed down properly. malfunctioned sumwhere along the way.

its been awhile

2008-04-14T08:30:00.001-07:00

cue stain song.

its been a dam long time. so long that im suddenly the seeming frontrunner for this. its weird how i am. well deep in me im actually clueless. im hiding it all behind that face of knowing it all. well im the last person that shuld actually be running for the post. from operating the machines to doing a broad jump, im never the best, 2nd best at most. well its hard to explain whats wrong with my but i shuldnt really worry considering how its not even something that is confirmed.

all that talk of awards and shit. i swear ill be disheartened if i don get anything. he always say that bullshit bout how when u work, it comes straight from ur heart n u don do it hoping for recognition. but on the hindsight, u actually want to b recognised for the efforts uve put in. i mean think of it this way, i was never paid to do the work im currently doing at the border of the country and how i was thrust straight into action shuld actually be rewarded. i was thrown into the wilderness literally on the first day, albeit the fact it was 40 days ago, it feels like a fucking lifetime. the abilitt to be able to get away from all the current bullshit we're in is as tempting as the urge i have to go out there and get myself that packet of prata. only thing thats only pulling me back is the fact that i actually just went jogging and did crunches! im not gonna let all that hard work go to waste. and that actually applies to all that ive done at the border. i mean. i cud get myself that prata/go for the new job and pple will 4get my efforts from before/that madness of running cud go to waste in an instance! u cud that geist. its not put in place respectively in terms of the sentence really. n i know of a person whom upon reading this will kill me for writing like that.

in any case. the sights of many pple doing things that are usually done in private is quite irritating. its like sign from god in its most obvious form. its soo in ur face that its like the middle finger i show everyone in the morning when i wake up. god literally cut me open with a knife, poured salt on me and rubbed it in reallll deep. i cud die upon the posting of this but its true. it really is.

oh yes. stalling a manual car is my new hobby. i cant seem to stop. my left leg is retarded. is just doesnt wanna work with the right one. its like playing drums except that this one doesnt create any music/noise, it kills lives.

where the fuck are u.

2008-03-21T10:23:00.001-07:00

20 hrs on. im awake. not feeling the least sleepy.
i swear i m gonna shit on the fucker if i find him. he has screwed up all my plans for the mth and cause the body clock to b stuck at 5 mar 08. i cant get pass that day. my clock is lagging, like that battery in the clock that sits on top of sum table in ur hse that ure too lazy to change. u shuld get my drift. anyhow. yes thats how it is. and i swear. if i fail my final theory. i will not be too surprised but i might just flip and personally sought that fucker out myself. GODD!

prolonged bullshit.

2008-03-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

bah. its all prolonged now. fucking asses now wan it to b for another 2 weeks more. i obviously cant do 2 weeks more. im fucking bumped up all over my head. talk about disillusioned, disorientated and losing sense of time. that was used to describe msk himself but it seems to b starting to apply to me.

ineffiency kills me. i hate pple who are efficient. or at least more efficient den me. im quite lazy myself. so if u suck more den me, u really do suck in ur life. fucktard comes along trying to take control so ill gladly give him the post. i mean. ive been stuck there n i think some part of me just longs for being deployed. that way im not having to worry about whether everyone has had a smoke, food, water and rest. now its okay that i have to worry bout all those bullshit but the crap i have to listen thru the comms, all that whining bout how tired u are. crap dude. ive been standing too. and unlike all u fuckers, i didnt catch a wink if u didnt realise. so don u dare tell me ure tired.

ok tts enuff. back to the point. give u the post and u gladly screw it up. besides. u fucking keep quiet when im wrongly blamed. i mean. wtf do u keep quiet when u were handling the post, n i got fucked for UR mistakes when it was UR stupidity to begin with. man. i was no where close to doing deployment after lunch yesterday.

ive had enuff. sleepy time beckons.

waking up to this every morning.

2008-03-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

every fucking morning tt i wake up to seems to be the same. i mean. if its in camp. it kicks off with er... brushing of teeth, the quick shower with me shivering my ass off with organsiations inability to provide a fucking heater and yet b able to waste money and useless things/pple, coiling of my extension wires, the putting on of my headgear and getting ready for roll call. tt sounds normal doesnt it. now fuck that and let me tell u what my day at home sounds like. fucking sleep doesnt actually exist. the iphone rings incessantly. its like my iphone goes in a trance. doesnt stop vibrating and starts that ringtone that i once used to love. i emphasised. once. and nowadays when the phone rings. its always me shouting jia lat jia lat. fuck man. im just doing my shit for 2 yrs and fucking offf. cant u guys give me some peace. argh. probably windys really efficient sometimes but others, windys tired. u dumbos. i have my breaking point too and i need rest. thts fr sure.

moving on. im starting to feel a lot. i mean. the pass 3 shifts have showed that if winsur forgets, the rest most prob wud, albeit a real few. i miss the old guys man. the new bunch are mostly wussies. i mean. how the fuck do u injure an arm if ure standing the whole day. the shift requires standing mostly. not fucking pushups, handstands and whatnots. argh. u dum fuck. why the fuck are these ass holes around me.

im starting to go back to that whole one paragraph of chunk that pple hate reading cos of all the anger. the disappoint is quite apparent suddenly. i mean. yay well done u are attached and moving on with ur life. but a year on, here i am stuck and not making any progress.

exactly 1 yr ago, everything was different. im so wanting to burn myself alive with the tot of another yr to go. i cud die just with that tot. windys got to change really. someone fucking kill me n stop scaring me with all the thoughts of my family plans screwing up in front of me.

oooh the disappointment.

2008-03-04T06:18:00.001-08:00

firemen no poke his nose in policemen business. but only if ure not doing ur job.
u retards made me wait like forever to come to the scene tt day. and a few mths on, ure proving to me that ur force is nothing more den a joke. what the hell are we doing in this day and age looking for a man who is limping. im disappointed. and what took u soo long to bring me to action! firemen no like wait.

argh. uve been an absolute chess game to me. its like lets see who takes the first step n u seem to b trying SOO hard to draw me into action, in what seems like a pathetic attempt. well ive heard about cutting u like as though ure just a branch of absolute nothingness to me. but i cant seem to bring myself to do this. i mean. how the hell am i supposed to just let u die and rot in a foreign land. i cant not answer ur calls right. besides. unknown cud = sister, breastie, u. so choose one and i always seem to choose the wrong one. its like my mcq test gone seriously wrong. its always one of the other 2 that i don expect.

screw the issue with my bed in camp. someone abolish the need for stayin in camp now.

this feels familiar

2008-02-19T17:13:00.001-08:00

ive felt all of this happening before. but the tragic part is that my subconcious mind is dragging my dreams into this. fuck man. it wasnt really a nightmare. but more of a dream to make a nightmare come true. the things i feared most were practically lining up to make me feel miserable. all in that few hours of sleep?!

moving on. we need to move on. especially yours truly. i probably owe u a mail. but wait. what were we again?

save me from oblivion

2008-02-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

-ferrying injured banglas
-wearing weird suits in preparation of an unfortunate incident
-running up n down stairs with my bunker gear n hoses heavier den u'll ever figure
-waiting at some random place for sumthing to happen to save the day
-performing cpr on a dead woman

fuck man. i tot that shuld have topped off my year. but im receiving weirder shit den that. n to cap it all off. im reaping the consquences for being mean. sigh. i was sitting in the car wondering where i wud b one year from now n thinkin if anything wud actually work out. i got freaked out. for starters. improve the thinking.

i need funnier stuff den the traffic light.

irony

2008-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

its been a long time. n everythings changing. cue keane song.

well its been a few weeks. eventful is an understatement. there was the trip to bangkok. den here we are in the cny phase.

celebrate? theres a certain someone who isnt exactly enjoying herself. i don think u'll ever know the existance of this place and ill never allow u to for the amt of vulagarities found wud cause me to banish to a place further den anyone can fathom. anyhows. my heart goes out to u. in a selfish way, i feel bad for not being there but i know u don need me physically. u just need me when u need me n i think thats all that matters. im sorry that u were prob the few pple that ever helped me thru the start of the yr n now im not there to reciprocate. in fact. its irony thats twistin everything disgustingly. really. shes in a better place im sure she is. n she definately wudnt wanna see u sad. so the same way u prayed for me. i pray for u n hope u bounce back as soon as u can and b that u thats never really sad and has that amazing ability to control and keep ur emotions intact.

2008-01-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

about 7 yrs ago at this time, my sister was embarking on her own journey overseas. i suddenly had a sister that i was soo close to growin up taken away from me phyiscally and ever since den. my lives been full of wrong turns.

well ure starting ur own journey now n it all is really ironic. i hope 8 yrs from now i don rem the same thing happening to another loved one of mine really. but anyhows. i think its all done n dusted, whether or not i was it to b. its not a choice n more of something i have to live with. freaking hate to live my life wondering what cud have been really.

the counter has gotta start n motivate me. here on out. i HAVE to make this a habit before i explode thru my clothes.

turn out turn out!

2008-01-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

fucking hell. wat a day. fucking eventful 24hrs of my freaking life is more den an understatement. started off close to midnight when i decided to lay all my cards on the table n let you know how i felt. n u told me twice bout how u feel n thrice tt u'll msg me. i hope u're tryin to reach me really.

well im glad i wasnt there to send u off thought. n i swear it was work. im usually a pig n i wont wake up till probably 15 mins before time n rush like a madman. but this morning i woke up about 45 mins before time n i just couldnt get back to sleep after that. there was absolutely no reason for this. den i heard the alarm n den i told firt. fuck that shit. why isnt it us? we laughed n den got back to bed. freaking helllll. 10 mins n brushing of my teeth later, i was fucking rushing like a madman. my hands were trembling at the fact that i was actually going to save lives! but anyhows. i hoped onto the bus n we were off to incident site.

there were so many casualties lying down that upon arrival, we actually got REALLY worried. i mean. i havent seen an ENTIRE group of pple from the force not knowing what to do without our vehicle. it was apparent though that pple were watching n watching closely. i rem this fucktard taking a video so i started telling them non stop in my windy way to carry em carefull. n suddenly. we're on amateur video on the 10oclock news. this is just unbelievable.

2 weeks on.

2008-01-14T06:44:00.000-08:00

wow. its been 2 weeks. i havent jogged for that long n that jog almost cost me my life.
breathless is an absolute understatement.

conversation with cat girl was weird. i, like winnie, am dying to know if its really her or shes just acting like that reallly. we have HAVE HAVE to know soon.

the iphone is due in 7 days. sisssy says its in her hands together with my limited edition havainas! and god knows wat. bangkok in 14 days too. wow. this is gonna b a january to make up for the worse december of my life. i mean. from start to finish, n i mean literally finish, it was certainly a december to forget.

leaving in a few days huh. i don know who u are anymore. ure weird. weird in fact is just not underlining the truth enuff. camp tmr sucks. im blabbering.

bah

2008-01-05T07:18:00.001-08:00

fuck.
my worst fears are coming true.
me being locked up seems like a probability now. well i kinda shouldnt have given my freaking name. im hoping they overlook this n not have any records. if not. im fucked. i really am. fucked fucked fucked.

it happens to b worrying with everything thats unfolding in front of me too. it isnt supposed to b like that but after those words came out of her mouth. anything goes. everything is a possibility. and seriously. im freaked out. pls tell me im overreacting.

you fucktards.

2008-01-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

as if the problems arent mounting already. these fucktards are irresponsible fruitcakes. how the fuck can u act the way they do. it just amazes me that these pple are such retards. why the fuck wud u wanna spend any time at all in a dark cell by urself. why wud u wanna put urself thru that torture. why why why? fucking idiots really. its time tp put friendship aside n start charging them. i really shuld. fucking asswipes. argh.

came back realllly early den usualy. given some time off. im gonna change n go visit soon. im starting to worrrrrie big time.

rate or mortality.

2007-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

what a way to end the yr n start the new yr. there was just a certian reason i couldnt bring myself to party on n get wasted with kegs n kegs n kegs of beer. but i just couldnt put my finger onto the reason. something was holding me back but i was more likely den not using my laziness as the primary one for me to just rot at home.

we were heading to mt faber cos mum was whining bout how she needed to get out of the hse. n i couldnt seem to receive any msgs from anyone and update my party plans. we rushed to the hospital. and what i saw upon my arrival was a very glazed her. its just not her. i know her. shes usually alert, chatty, laughing, full of questions for u. she was just really comfortable. but den. she was glazed and really tired. i cud almost sense her disappointment. she started to vomit n her grandsons panicked. i cud only lift her up so she doesnt choke on her excretions. thats all i cud do really. n i was just shocked.

its been a fucked up evening really. i was officially 19 couple of days ago n never have i felt so fucking afraid of having days in the new yr pass me by. for once. i wan it to stay still. i need to cherish my time really. the apparent haemorrhage in her brain. it scares the shit out of me what i read on wikipedia. why they fuck did i even read it.

i honestly feel fucked.

a new place of solace.

2007-12-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

this is really for a certain breast thats lazy. if anyone finds out. im gonna get this deleted etc.
this is my place for whining.
this is a call.

it just suddenly dawned upon me that the assassination was so real. everytime i read about something surreal, i turn on cna n look for it on latest news. den after that comes the confirmation on wiki. this particular one is really scary. i swear. terrorism has brought this to a whole new level. never did i expect in this day and age for someone running for the office to b assassinated as cruelly as she died. its just inhuman, and barbaric to say the least.

tmr is half a freaking day. means i go back in the morning at 7am. and leave at 12pm. and in that 5 hrs. im gonna have to finish work that is due on the 2nd, work which has piled up before my trip to that certain cold cold place.
this is a good way to start. i hope it is.