wrong side of the fence

stay, so faraway so close

always on the wrong side of the fence is an understatement

as i write this, i lay slumped and seriously demoralised.

i have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

the only cure seems to be 25 hoegaardens, it would definately help

not making any sense. but here comes the real shit.

i prob havent been persistent enough in the reminders about how one day, some day, something has got to be done/chosen/solved for us to move pass the stage that we currently find ourselves in.

the fear of having to wake up one day and live my life without u scares the shit out of me. it really does. i guess the whole lesson on over dependence is something that i cant learn. not now n i wish i never have the need to.

my thoughts are not just incoherent.i feel messed up just like u, believe it or not.

sigh.

what a difference a few hours make.
from being at the incident site to being in the comfort of my home in all of 3 hrs not only amazes me, it surpasses my expectations 10 folds.

so yeah, i was psychologically ready to do this overnight, sleeping on the floor of the jungle yet again n not having the water that i would require to have my body function normally.
but as usual, things took a turn for the unexpected and we were done in no time. the need for us seemed soo flawed a decision, more flaws den those of the national system.

on the other hand, i realised while i was driving a couple of days back that my days as a simpleton are coming to an end and its high time i set my priorities straight.
it used to get me all excited being this close but suddenly, im so messed up about it.

everything seems so uncertain and one thing is for sure, uncertainty kills me.
rem that.

over dress or under dress?

ive had my fair share of these 2 words the past few days.

am i under dressed?

the next day was, i was kinda afraid u were gonna under dress?

the very purpose of this would be to pen the thoughts of what i perceive of this apparent habit.

it pretty much reflects a lot don u think?

think under dress.

relate it to not being ready.

think about it more and u will get the whole thing with not being prepared. seriously not being prepared if u ask me. 

now comes the thing with over dressing.

relate it to being more than ready.

a little exaggerated but definitely the safer option of the 2 if u ask me, even though it leads to moments of over reaction.

which begs the question. which of the 2 would u rather be. would u over react or under react.

over reaction brings about problems that people would usually not want to be associated with .

under reaction. oh my. u don react to a certain problem and be deemed the wooden block of the 21st century. 

what we have here is not just a situation on our hands. its an apparent contradiction that we all hate, seem but at the same time love to have

unleashed

boisterous. ive realised that potential again. it only gets worked up like how adrenaline is. i have to dig it up from me and it starts and ends only from me.

so yes, i have broken another record. and when i say that i don actually mean a record in my own record books. but a record that is more den legit, im sure.
ive had weird images but whatever it is, ive been reminded that these are images that i shouldnt be living my live by, and in fact, make the best out of the situation

in any case, there was this once i asked. would u rather know when u would die, or not know ever. it works both ways. i mean, from my point of view, if i knew, i could react in the 2 most obvious ways. the first of which is to totally give up hope and not live my life wondering why and how it would happen.

the second would to obviously lead it in the best way possible. and make sure that i actually do whatever is in my means to make it the best that it could be. im saying that if i knew that i was leaving this place tmr, ill do whatever rocks my boat, be it the familiar bungee jump or that travelling to different parts of the world to enjoy the sights that both men and god has allowed us to view.

me? im no different.
optimism USUALLY runs thru me.
ive been reading the thing about the australian fire and when i was doing the jet that day, i realised that even though it sounds far fetched, its seriously somehting that could happen to us on this little island. yes we are surrounded by water but whats the worse that can happen? think titanic and the ship that was never suppose to sink is now deep in the ocean bed, with little or no remains.

ive talked about my apparent bucket list but before i do that, i should be thinking of a list to accomplish and goals to wake up to every morning.
for starters, winporting. i need to work that and work it right, thruout whatever period of time i have, thats for sure.
next, you. sort that out really.

everything i feared has and is slowly coming true.

ive been fearing leaving camp, getting an overdose and just the very fact of waking up one day and not having u there for me.

ive seen the sky turn dark and bright again, albeit with the help of popping tonneeees of those small evil things into my mouth and hoping that i don actually have to see the light anymore.

u used to be there in every way shape or form. 

give me back my mind and not leave me the way u have.

karmas a bitch and its certainly seeming to have a thing for making me suffer real bad.

my thoughts are running dry, and so is the blood that runs thru my body. every part of me is shutting down really slowly but surely. 

'winsur can u stop walking up n down n sleep'

these words are echoes in my head. as i type im seated on the chair with my back literally against the wall as my life is now. backed to a corner n no room to retreat.

too much on my shoulders. sometimes its not just work that teaches u that. everything around me is pointing in this direction. i obviously have way too much on my plate, more den i can ever finish up.

i had a whole dam afternoon of activities. from waiting for a fire call that seemed so close, to communicating soo effectively with people about the academy, there seemed to be soo much to do. soo much since the moment i left my car in the parking lot. 

but nothing changed. i havent had a peaceful mind in the past 72 hours. explains my god damn zombified look. but no one actually bothers? a tired/problem filled winsur still goes aboout doing what he can and even a winsur at such times can be taken for granted.

what can i say. i havent stopped thinking about u the whole time, right from the time u gave me that look. i must be really sillly but i took that really seriously. if ever, this is the time for me to tell u everything. but sometimes it seems like the song from lifehouse, hanging by a moment. but if only it would end the way the song did.

the past 2 days havent obviously been the most productive/best. it kills me to not be able to talk to u, let alone feel ur presence or even see u. i realise that u 2 have been together for a long time and maybe u felt last night, that he is the one for u again. and compared to me, he wins hands down. 

i cant deny the fact that u 2 have a history and its probably really difficult for me to ever impose on u in that sense because, simply we havent had a past to think about. i was mostly building for a future. in every sense of those words.

i mean everything i say. when i said i would like to bring u home, i meant it. when i say i wish u were the mum of my kids, i meant it. when i asked if u mind staying together with my parents, i meant it. all the fucking way thru to the part where i asked if u mind being heard by my parents in that very same house. its utterly inappropriate but i know it would be really funny yet lovely.

we were kinda sorta having a normal relationship, or not? u added that spring in my step and motivated me to work harder for the future. the moment i won the money i did at adam khoo, the only person that i wanted to actually be able to see that very moment was u. i wanted to show to u den and there n despite the fact that i was so young, i was gonna do everything in my fucking might to make things work for the future, in the future. 

yes i realise that it prob isnt that im not good enough or inferior in any way, its just the past that u have. but isnt that unfair to me? 

the past the present the future. i don know what will be n i cant ever promise u anything. all u need to know is that since the 2nd of dec, ive enjoyed my time with u more den all of the previous 3 combined 3 folds because of one thing n one thing only, i knew right from the start that i loved u. yes at times u drive me mad. the waiting for u when u clear the laundry, to waiting for u to bring down 2 utterly useless things to cash convertors, to cleaning winters crap out of her cage or just waiting to bring u to the doctors, i swear i was driving myself crazy in every sense of the a1 song. but when u came into the car n asked are u angry, u had ur way. u really did. i fell for it soo bad i cant even comprehend now. it doesnt end there. u drive me crazy when u sleep in the car the whole time n not bother bout me when i talk to myself, and worse still not communicate with me when u jolly well know that i could n would in a heart beat. 

the only thing i really don wan is for u to drive away from this whole situation and out of my life.