eve of the eve

nothing has really gotten into me the past days apart from the word responsibility.

it is. overrated. or maybe underrated. lets see

overrated

yeah prob. the responsibility on one can be misused, and severely abused.

a simple task that requires basic honesty and resposibility could go wrong.

a task like waking up at a certain time to work or making calls to clarify an issue are such simple matters to begin with. 

but we are humans and the only thing thats common among all of us is the fact that we conform to standards that are just below par at best.

we don do as much as we can, most of the time having an over reliance on another to clear the mess left behind. worse still, we just neglect the simplest of responsibility tasked by a loved one and think its of least importance.

underrated

u damn right this is. i feel that at times. im here. most of the time for that matter.

lets see. okay. the responsibility of so many things usually fall on the tiny shoulders of that one person. and this keeps piling up like the thrash at lorong halus. pple observe and notice the reliability of one, thus realizing the ease of pushing everything to that poor thing. it doesnt stop there. im not just talkin about the responsibilities no, im talking about the definate neglect that would certainly follow. as there is an over reliance, pple just conform and belief that everything should be on that poor souls shoulders, and worse still, not appreciate the simple things that are taken for granted everyday.

what m i saying.

its made out to seem like its my fault about being in ns. excuse me, as much as i would love for it to not happen, i hate to remind you tat im wasting more of my life den u could ever understand. talk about fucking consolidation, this is in fact a downtrend more den anything else don u think?

its messed up. im feeling like im just running my head straight into the wall. i feel like a piece of clothing on display. ive probably showed u how i am like, and in the sense of a clothing point of view, showed u every angle of this fabric that i seemingly am. if thats not enough, the price too, and where i am made etc etc. ive showed u soo much and ive had little response and a lot of nonchalance. god so help me please. the only way i think u could help would be to do what i think u should do to me. at times this is such a tempting way out of everything, as sad as it sounds.

winporting should help me get thru some tough times. but i need to constantly remind myself about how i should bear the scalability part in mind more den anything else? i need to tink of it in the magnification p.o.v

There's another world inside of meThat you may never seeThere're secrets in this lifeThat I can't hideSomewhere in this darknessThere's a light that I can't findMaybe it's too far away...Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm hereRight me when I'm wrongHold me when I'm scaredAnd love me when I'm goneEverything I amAnd everything in meWants to be the oneYou wanted me to beI'll never let you downEven if I couldI'd give up everythingIf only for your good

my definition

fear - when u wake up one morning and lose track of ur aims/goals in life, and the next thing u know, u've lost everything that is dear to u

niceties - are when u are just over polite with people who don deserve ur time

luxury - when u live the way u love to in terms of materialism, way above ur expectations

greed - when u have what u have, but it isnt enough and u just keep wanting more

love - when u constantly think about and worry about someone and want them to be at their best, be it family or spouses

friends - when u have people who don treat u like enemies, very simple isnt it.

goals - things u want to achieve, setting u on the path of life that u would want to be on

torture - looking at ur face and wondering whats on that mind

if i had a penny for everytime i think about how u think. ill be richer den bill gates. i really would.

the best birthday presents are usually things that are intangible. like experiences.

its still too early to tell and its a little ironic, but i feel like i just received a present thats both intangible, yet costly at the same time.

ive seen the look on peoples faces when they hear that i was actually sent to wealth academy. it sounds like a total an absolute fraud considering how its an "investment" on my education by sissy, or in her words, the only present ill ever get that could actually kickstart/set me in motion.

im not talking about anything thats supposedly too life changing but a course that actually educates u on what u require to know before dabbling into foreign land.

the things ive learnt from the 60 hours ive spent in 3.5 days at that seat my ass was glued too was more den just the bollingers, parabollic sar or candlestick magic tricks ill ever learn. it taught me the importance of a few matters. first of which, is ur network. i shall not talk about this but starting this soon should honestly be a real priority.

next would be the importance of not generalizing. i was probably the youngest, if not 2nd youngest, in an environment that was filled with people of an average age of 30s+ going on the 40s. and seriously, i looked like a clown in there. these people were actively participating in terms of asking questions and having queries on the more important stuff. as usual, i take a back seat to everything n analyse before attempting to make myself look stupid. as what i always say, if ure good enough, u're darn well old enough.

now the thing that really pissed me off was how the people around me seemed to have this general feeling about me. i might come across as rather arrogant/ignorant at the first impression but dont get me wrong, we all have our traits and like sissy, we actually belong to group of people that are most polite in every way possible. i hate to say this but sissy got more attention den me and its not that im jealous, im just wanting pple to know that u can look like how u look, but shouldnt be generalised

i won my entire salary last night in a game that was spread out over 10 parts, testing ur money management skills more den anything else when it came to investing in property and analysing a stock. i could say that we had the same strategy, implanted right from the start. the only difference was that single house that i had, more den her. i was probably using my head more in terms of squeezing my money and literally milking it for what its worth. im seriously glad and proud that i made it into the top 8, 7 to be exact. i lost to people who were obviously better den me, but that doesnt really matter. it seemed like the people that i actually proved wrong along the way that gave me more satisfaction more den anything else.

its a game, yes n i shouldnt be taking the results too seriously but honestly, when u put in 200 and have a chance of 10800, its all about being opportunistic, isnt it? the winnings, i invested into my education, the first time ive ever done that n im sure it wont ever go to waste. the purpose of this post is to actually constantly remind myself of the one thing that i wanna do for the rest of my life that i read from kiyosaki's book.

the greatest satisfaction in owning something new is when u own it thru the means of ur financial intelligence.

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seriously. im disappointed. i think i deserve a more upbeat answer.

and to think about it, im soo disappointed that im really really in a bad place now.

kill me.

desertion / wild card

the year has started butt not in the way i would like it to. however, the first post with real thought has come in the form of a macbook, which i love and was advised against getting. however, i refuse to budge. i really refused.

tongue tied. fingers locked.

i need to get used to this.

im in a bad place. there is no doubt about that. the past 5 days havent honestly been set in the most ideal of situations if u know what i mean. ive been stuck in camp, made to feel dispensible for a moment, and indispensible the next. the thought of that is not only utterly contradicting/ but disgusting. it just shows that im being taken advantage of and milked for all that im worth. 

u call and talk about the least sensitive stuff in terms of giving me my time off. i dare say there is not a doubt u have no other person more deserving than me to have 6 fucking duties off. u can take these 6 duties n count them against all the sleepless nights ive had for u, before judging me with ur green eyes. im different from u. im supposed to serve n back off but im soo full of having my hands in the situation that u're prob more reliant on me den any other sect comd u ever had. arggh. 

den we have the thing about companionship/love.

its often confused and its never as simple as the words seem to be but put it this way. companionship is a subset of love. its pretty much all that. u need to love the companionship and company before it can ever develop to love. 

with that being said, there are times where companionship is just enjoyed and its never fully taken to the next level. i mean, the potential for love is never fulfilled and just neglected. its hard to explain but theres just a difference btw the 2.

and the car wash helps to clear my mind. thoughts have come about, including how saddad once told me that the thing about love is that u actually allow that love one u have to pretty much do whatever he/she wants to do and still love despite how the rest of the morons out there cant appreciate it. cited examples are when one of u just talks to much / scratches the face ALL DAY / ponders over 3 dollars containers for over 45 mins / sleeps while conversing over the phone / gets all angsty over little matters. man u get my point. and when i say u get it, u prob would. and at times, still complete my sentences for me. growl.

im obviously not saying that its all only about that. its also about how im intrigued, illusioned n prob illusioned by ur actions. at times, u have that difference in u that makes me feel like u're seriously a cut above the rest of us. u really do. sigh.

im not making sense? its the fatigue. but im confused really. i don know what my next step is. its like playing chess and im prob a few moves away from checkmate but suddenly, i have doubts over the fact that i should even be competing considering my lack of credentials.

we've talked about achievements over the years and its about time. the living example of what would be detrimental to my family is within the house and i have to just constantly remind myself of what i don want to appear like in a decade. 

ive sat down n thought about my bills and goals over the next 3 years. excited. hardly. motivated, most fucking definately. i need to make this work. when u look at me and wait for me to trip and fall on my face, the more im gonna rebel n show u how it should be done the way u know im capable of. after all, i AM the wild card and the equalizer in this whole equation. just watch. and remind me on a daily basis of what im capable of

i hate the fact that im back here. im made to feel like im just an extended part of this family that is actually indispensible.

i hate how i try to make my feelings known but everytime i actually do that, i seem to sense an air of nonchalance around u.

i hate how i am, im seriously pissed off at how the running just suddenly doesnt seem to be working in terms of clearing my mind anymore.

i hate how i let everything go, the moment u give that smile.

i seriously seriously SERIOUSLY hate it when i try my very bestest to convince u on the need of a certain something and u just refuse to listen, basically because u think u know better. i don doubt the fact that u are a rather intelligent girl, but sometimes, listening and filtering the good/bad points could work wonders.

i just HAVE a lot of hatred in me. most of which im getting the feeling is for myself, and nothing seems to be for u.

i didnt think that it would be appropriate. but just by that alone, i think its the cause of my current suffering.

clogged up mind is what i have now. im obviously a litttttle paranoid and i cant begin to explain the little disappointment thats creeping into me slowly.

please please please please please not disappoint me.

fly away

walk.
left or right.
do i actually walk away now and save everyone the trauma?