count the blessings or rue the dissapointment?

2 years ago. it was tragedy to say the least. at about this, we were all gathered at the a&e wondering if the clot in the brain could go away.

just last year, it was a case of watching a sad sob story or one tree hill if i don rem wrongly, wondering when i would actually find myself in a right relationship.

this year, things are a little different but some things just don ever ever change.

2009 was a little productive if u ask me, im legal and definitely responsible for all kinds of actions that i act on. change of jobs/industries, done with the service, broken away from several severe vices of the past and i even brought someone home for the first time ever.. of course, ive found myself a little sweetie pie.

but a cloud literally hangs over my head. something is missing. i know u give me everything that u can afford to give and theres really very little left to give me and for me to ask for. but i need u to know that sometimes, i feel like a fish out of water. before we got together, i was having tonnes of fun at night but i never felt loved.

i guess its the opposite now. i am asking for a lot but i just cant deal with somethings now. there was only one reason why im staying home if u don realise. i actually thought that since u cant physically be with me, the next best thing is to talk to u till the time comes. guess that didnt really work out. honestly it sucks knowing that i cant spend my weekends and holidays with u. what makes it worse is year after year, im made to suffer this again and again.

i swear i don think im asking for too much. i just wanna physically spend special eves and nights with my loved/special one. thats all i want. why cant anyone grant me this? ever?

7 day mile - the frames

once in a while u get hurt.

and then it triggers thoughts.

how did it all happen?

and if u do more soul searching, u end up realising that the pple that hurt u most are the ones that happened to be the ones that u love most.

dig deeper and then u realise the ugly stuff.

u prob have inadvertently hurt the pple that love u loads too. from the little things to the big actions, they all don matter. chances are, things have a way of screwing u over.

what goes around, comes around. karma rears its ugly head. again.

long time coming

long long long time.

the birthday was all good and many ways possible but it didnt feel as symbolic and significant as it should have.

i sincerely believe that a huge part of it is due to how ive been the way i am, a partial 21 year old since several thousands of weeks ago.

the last 2 songs played before the clock struck 12 to bring the day to an end were symbolic, to say the least. song 2 and bad day by fuel. 1 has willed me thru everything thru the year, and the other as though to remind me about how i really wasted my special day with my dangerously lazy sleepy habits.

then, i started thinking. a lot has been happening since may 8th and i thank god for the day u came along. u said that u were skeptical at the start, i probably felt worse than that but kept it to myself. u seemed, at first, like any one of the others that came and left very quickly.

time has really proven me wrong and i really can't emphasis on everything u have provided me with. everything u've done, its been nothing short of sweet and i appreciate if sixtyfolds.

in you i have probably found what i looked for for the past 2 years and i hope that for the rest of my life, u're the first thing in the morning i think of, and last person i talk to at night =)

Day 1

Sigh.
Life sucks without you.
its barely day 1 and it has felt like 241235 years.

thing is. without you. life feels different.
i don feel like any1 understands this screwed up head.
it feels like no 1 is there to tell me my limits or my lack of it.
it feels like no 1 wants to try help me thru this.

sigh. and to think, its all day 1.

as i listen to the song, its pretty much me being able to picture u in that floral skirt and tied up hair, prancing around in a rather beautiful kitchen.

its all about you.
you make my life worthwhile.
its all about you baby.

i cant find the words to describe my emotions.
6 days away from 3 hrs of intense questions to test me and here i am feeling as though im partially on cloud nine, while the other half is already pcturing me going into the hall and regurgitating whatever i have learnt.

i havent said this enough and yes i don show too much affection and im lousy.
but im oh so grateful that despite the littlest of age u are right now, u have added so much colour and meaning to my life. you are probably the reason which drives me on in life, although the occassional whinings are a little dreadful =x

cut to the chase, i didnt expect to fall so deep in.
and, im so grateful i did. =)

Its been a while. 

well thats an understatement.

so yes.

as i put an end to this chapter of my life, i wish i never have to go back to the place.

ok granted, i actually like it in several ways i never thought possible but just when i was getting comfortable, things happen and u almost always go for the more lucrative offer, dont we all?

im glad in so many ways that i don have to go back there.

the first of which is the places that i see that will bring me memories, both good and bad.

its august now and things started at that area since dec.

im just relieved that its all over.

the world has a weird way of working out.

or maybe, its just the organizational structure and everything else.

just when u are gonna leave a place or something u are doing, somebody else entices you by increasing the benefits, making it a bigger motivational factor in making you stay.

im seriously amazed at the timing but for some strange reason, im not taking it too seriously.

i mean. the biggest factor is the fact that im no longer naive about any of this, and i realise that this is all just a temporary solution to a permanent problem. 

im in the phase where i know that this period is nothing more than a transition, and that all im doing now is not only not feasible, it will never be feasible.

yes maybe the grass in always greener on the other side and contentment, is the one thing that you and i should think about once in a while.

but seriously, who are we lying to. its time to get real.

laying the groundworks.

son of a bitch.

thats my new favourite catchphrase these days.

i say it all the time. so much that its literally flooding out of my mouth.

im always clearing the path.

u know how in countries that have winter, u often see pple just clearing the snow around their car/houses to pave the way and make it easier to move around?

i don know why but im always finding myself in a position that almost always doing the dirty work for someone else.

i get the fact that i love the makelele role in football; just simple tackles that get u the ball and move it to pple that works wonders with them.

but i sure as hell don appreciate being the one thats always clearing the way, allowing someone else to claim the credit and reaping what i sow.

why is it that im ALWAYS giving others credit and i don seem to get any?

god hail jackson.

opinions

its my 2 cents worth.

or rather, 5 cents considering how i prob have so much to say.

we just lost the best 2-legged freak that dances so good, it leaves me droooling.

with him alone, we saw the invention of the DDR machines n what nots.

seriously, without him, i cant see so many things happening.

someone prove me wrong but there really isnt another mj.

not even elvis comes close.

find me somebody that inspires a whole generation of musicians.

somebody that is recognized, from any corner of the world.

someone whose dance moves are just distinguishable.

hell, find me somebody who literally changes from black to white.

theres only one, and him being the musical genius that he is, is flawed.

i sincerely believe that he is flawed in some ways.

i hope im wrong, but oh well.

we lost a genius but im glad i was able to listen to his music n play his games on my SEGA drive .

god bless your soul dude.

high costing lemons.

when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade out of it.

wow.

after 4 months of pure PURE hatred, i guess its all worth it.

it sums up quite a bit.

my journey with cheese is coming to a screeching halt, and this is to unexpected dismay.

i cant believe im saying this, but i think i might regret the choice to let this go, but den again i have my reasons and they are self validated.

all you have to do is sit at the table closest to the door and waalah. u have my point and see things from another perspective.

im lying, just a little.

its not just a white lie, its a rather black one if colours are to be believed.

in any case, i've really enjoyed and learnt many things from different perspectives in these couple of months.

body language, positive words and art lessons are something that i can only get stronger with, with time.

u will never learn of this but in some ways, i appreciate things and everything you have done from me, from the little wrongly timed pep talks to the abundance of food thats always available after work.

thank you.

splits.

sigh

im tired.

split shifts.

without breaks.

i suddenly think that my body is breaking. 

slowly but surely

i totally understand the whole deal with getting on with years.

i really do.

and im starting to question my choice.s

dawn.

its all coming to light now.

im not book smart.

i need to finally raise my hands n admit this fact.

couple this with a rather whirlwind week n there you go. 

the reason im here.

so yeah. i guess it was all written in stone.

i SHOULD be feeling a little glad about the results because afterall, for once in my life, i actually have a DAMN A since my PSLE.

but den again.

its a little disappointing considering how its just an A n nothing more than that.

i studied the right stuff, wrote my usual self, n there we go. 

nothing good.

ok numbers. surprising but i did fine there.

but everything else is a pain in my ass.

exams arent my forte n will forever be my arch nemesis.

now i realize why pple say that its hard to date someone in the same class as u.

brings about unwanted pressure and the sucky feeling.

i don wanna talk about this

period.

turmoil

i was driving for fuel the other day n a conversation with mum made me rem how i was as a kid.

i vaguely rem being all of 5 years old, holding my favourite mickey and running up n down whenever the then wwf superstars was about to show on channel 5.

i even rem the time: 6pm saturdays.

the bigger step up from superstars: pay per views that were shown in the weeee hours of the night, for obvious reasons. these were at 10 plus and yeah. thats late for single digit aged kid!

mum was harping about the fact that ive always always been the kid that was dam gan chiong spider! she mentioned bout how im always rushing to the toilet. like continously.

and how whenever i woke up the next morning, ill def have mickey in my hands n swing him around looking for my breakfast.

somethings don change. not the part bout breakfast. not the part about the toilet. even mickey has been dethroned in place of the new queen on windyland: isabelle.

i having my first exam since 2006 tmr. thats fucking 3 years. 3 years without the tough situation of stress and anxiety and being graded. grades to me = to stupidity. im even more stressed now with all the friendly rivalry among all of us about who is the smarter between the 2. unnecessary stress u might say but it has really pushed me to the limits.

im scared shitless, i havent sat down n studied the way i have in years now. n surprisingly, it has gotten into my head. 

why i m afraid, i have no clue.

but one things for sure. im fazed.

holiday? more like an illusion.

i had fun today.

for the first time in a couple of months, i saw some light at the end of the tunnel.

but my insecurities, as always, are getting the better of me.

the never ending inquisitions still linger in the head that has a couple of screws that require tightening.

one thing often leads to another.

in the case of this head that houses the term unpredictability, its like a never ending search for the answers to questions the magnitude of the chicken and the egg.

sweep me off my feet please.

the limits of one man

1 single person.

100 days in, we are having polls on obama n his performance.

a little premature if u ask me.

this guy has 365 x 4 years n we are all evaluating him upon his hundreth day in the office.

now lets put it this way. no president has had it easy. 

but obama. boy. the poor guy.

should i even list the hardships hes been put thru?

its like the poor guy took the freaking SATS 3536t47 times in a row.

he has to come up with some bailout to stop the economy of the world from crumbling, and now theres the swine flu.

all that admist the continuation of the afghan war n kim jong ils sporadic decisions on the need to develop its nuclear arsenal more than its standard of living.

and ure telling me that hes only please 60 odd percent of the population.

cut the guy some slack n evaluate after a yr or so.

imagine giving u a fucking job appraisal which determines ur annual salary 2.5 mths into ur

job?

now i DONT wonder where these dimwits are from.

the limits.

im stuffed as usual. with school work suddenly. not this sucks not because of anything else but the bullshit im always placing myself in. i probably need to learn the art of delegation faster and be more precise. at the rate im going, im gonna end up the loser that isnt able to complete much due to the extensive saddling of work n problems that accompany it.

arghhhhhhhhhh

student/cheesecake slave/partial martial artiste/fragement of a writer/winklepicker owner

identify the symptoms.

see the tell tale signs.

gauge the happenings that would next occur.

the happening isnt really happening.

so yeah maybe it does come with age but maybe not.

manipulation starts from young. in fact, its inborn ,congenital, connate, instinctive, inherent,natural, inbred, inherited, hereditary, in one's genes

i hope im not getting the wrong impression. 

i don wanna end up loooking like an absolute dumbass at this.

ive prob been a dumb ass one too many times.

i love the language. i love numbers.

but sometimes, even i cant handle too much at once.

the discerning truth.

the irony of life.
one moment cloud 9 seems to be where u are standing.
and the next, ure done, deep in the level of hell which reads 18 on the raging walls around you.

back to the dates 12-15 mar.
vaguely rem gazelnut saying the whole thing with how i attract nonesense.
how true it is.

im done with this.
the only people i trust are incidentally on one hand.
and they very simply read the 3 in the nuclues family, and the 2 apparent breasties.
non more than that.

here on out. im thru with being the saint.
patience is waning. and prove me your worth before the circle is expanded.
ah seriously. fuck all of you dimwits.
argh.

the right angle triangle

define.

the triangle, has a side thats considered all up right n straight at 90deg.

the other 2 angles, not always equals, has different distances from where they are at to the right angle.

the similarities the triangle has to a lot in life.

u have one, the subject, the object, the prize, the lottery, the jewel.

comes btw 2 other points, and these 2 points have different distances.

reflects on the nature of closeness don u think?

the right angle has no clue that it is closer to one side than the other, accidentally choosing a preference and what it would rather.

i say fuck the right angle.

motherly love.

i just have to pen down these thoughts

i was at tkd a couple of hrs ago. n boy did i see the cutest thing on earth.

we were having our usual water breaks and it was really touching to see what i did. we walked past a kid, all of about 6 yrs old, and he was certainly struggling with the forms at hand. he didnt know what came next, the backfisting hand or round kick. and when i say struggling, u have to trust me on this, i know whats struggling.

there was a lady, presumably his mum, watching on and giving really wide smiles and nods of approval. 

as i watched on, i can only imagine how much the mum was feeling about her kid. it was that sense of pride and joy to just see ur kid learn something new and know that in a few yrs, he is certainly gonna excel in it.

every morning i wake up n think about the question thats on my employers mind. why do u even try so hard. 

i just found my reason. 

i feel old.

with the face i have, i never thought that this would ever imply.

i have the looks of a kid, thus the whole kiddo thing at times with gazelnut but it sucks really.

but suddenly. it really does feel like im 16 again.

the irony it in all when u look at efrons movie bout 17. im no efron. definitely not that jackass that spends 2 fucking hours everyday on his hair. i don love myself that much.

the math, english, notepads, stickies, post it pads, notes on the post it pads, packed packed packed schedule and deadlines to meet, the pt job that feels like the one from before.

wow. 

but thats. just the part where adapting is gonna come in.

than comes the part where it feels like we are all stupid really.

we are all old pple. deep down inside, we should really know who we are and what we want.

but when it comes to simple simple interaction n basic courtesy, we are surely still kids inside.

we act nonchalant and just run away from reality.

how is that ever gonna change anything we have.

kyptonite

even clark kent had something that worked against him.
i m only human, prone to assumptions
the breeding of negativity is only a norm.

sch officially starts tmr n somehow.
i wish im more alone.
i love extremes.

Looking back at all the things we've done
You gotta keep on keeping on
Out to see, it's the only placeI honestly can get myself some piece of mind
You know it's getting hard to fly
If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud?

i have practically worked my socks off and even my hands now are actually aching.

i mean. my arms are numb from carrying all that nonsense i carried yesterday.

sometimes i wonder if its worth the money im getting in return.

in any case.

im feeling really vommmitty.

its the feeling of nausea thats just rather overwhelming.

to know whats going on sickens me, riight to my stomach.

it really does.

taxing. u damn right.

its hard to see what happens in the house sometimes n not feel for it.

sometimes the shoutings actually really get to me.

the world we live in shouldnt be filled with all this noise that makes us all feel so small.

sounds like that should be put to good use.

i hate it when the whole issue crops up.

i don have any control over any of this but what really kills me inside is the fact that i have to sit back and watch everything unfold in front of me.

i cant help it.

and as much as i don usually show a lot of emotion when such things come along.

theres almost always a breaking point

skepticism.

hectic. to say the least.

mr linguistic is certainly on the wrong side now. but more than ever, this actually poses a challenge of self satisfaction.

ive done a couple of jobs here n there, but none more meticulous than this.

so i thought the pop corn place was bad. this makes that place look so indifferent, its like comparing the pirates here to that of those in somalia?

goals are set to be made, but i never actually thought that setting them would make such a difference. its good that im actually working towards some of this right now.

im a little startled to say the least.

i really m not living.

im just killing time.

well i wasnt actually intending too but i realised how an email or 2 can actually cause screw ups.

i stumbled upon a couple of mails from back in 2003 and wow. talk about a long long time ago and being seriously immature.

some things always change in an instant.

others just don change at all.

but really. 

feelings, arent they supposed to last.

last a while more at least.

how is it that in a mattter of months, ok maybe just weeks. that things can disintegrate and just be as though nothing ever happened in the first place?

ive been thru this before but companionship and love are different. 

cant we all just get that.

headless chicken

6 alphabets.

2 definite vowels.

1 word to keep me alive.

sugarcoat.

everything is overrated.

work wasnt that good today. 

i had too little fire. too little motivation to have much comission.

when im busy, im swamped. 

when im free, im really free and it doesnt actually help that when this scenario happens, i think.

i think too much. i really do.

i should keep these thoughts in my head n limit them to who gets to hear it.

its amazing how pple that know nothing n when i mean absolutely nothing could still get by with how they do, just by using god damn words.

im not out to cheat you, and maybe i should set my target to be that so my sales could rocket.

but really. the feeling will suck if i make u get something that u really shouldnt. 

lets get realistic. or rather. winsur should get realistic.

u keep pissing me off and i swear, i might just punch u when i see u. 

don make me do it. ill shove the hard drive where the sun doesnt shine.

pass me another pint. i cud do with 5 actually.

i miss you. i really do.

talk about commission.

the buzz thats supposed to surround me, im not feeling it.

i rem that i said something along the lines of really enjoying mar 12 when it actually comes around.

i don know if its just me being fatigued or really jaded. but i really don seem to feel anything. nothing at all. 

ive had more time for reflection, this time for my 2 years of completion. 

ive realised that this is technically the official start of my real adult adult adult life, which already consists of everything it is consisting, just more responsibility if i actually think of it. what im talking about would include more bills, more aims, more goals and certainly more money.

ive always wanted my 2 years back but i know for a fact that the past years have given me respite, a time to actually think and be sensible. i cant say the same for everyone but i know that it has taught me what i would never have learnt if i was out there being a total delinquent.

it hasnt been a totally smooth ride but i have to say, ive enjoyed it in some ways. just looking at the testimonial sometimes, it definitely makes me feel good.

out.

u walk in that certain way.

ur feet shuffle rather quickly.

ur head bobbles a little back n forth.

what grabs ur attention more often than not are babies that are usually cute to say the least.

or should u come across something seriously artistic/one of a kind.

u'll stop and stare, taking it all in at once.

when u eat u would so totally get ur sauces mixed up n ready.

when i want to eat it, u would playfully drag it away from me.

or just freaking shove it into my mouth with all the chilli u can find.

when u get engrossed. u really do.

u start looking at stuff pple don usually look at.  and only after, start realising that u actually have ur moments of weirdness.

when u sing, u dance the silliest way possible

and when the words don come out right, ull just make them up along the way.

===========================================================

enough said. i don mean to be a stalker. 

i wonder when u will read this but everything is supposed to be simple n easy.

its supposed to be honest so everything will work out in the easiest way possible.

ive allowed my heart to lead me. and it seems like its leading me to this place deep in the amazon. and suddenly im stuck not knowing what i m doing.

theres one thing that im always reminded of by a certain siah siah.

and thats how that u should ultimately always love yourself more than the other party.

most definitely. more true than ever.

its a little difficult. but never ever regret what u do. just live for the moment. 

so says another.

being naive is something ive always known i am. 

i belief in fairy tales.

some part of me does.

if u actually read this, itll actually show something.

u think u know me very well but really i cant write as well as i hope/think i can

theres no other way to say it but ill say it like i should.

i met someone. it was a total accident. it was the perfect accident if u ask me.

next thing i know, im in a car with u feeling all excited about the future and how neurotic everything can be in an instant.

good news is that person ive met happens to be you.

im not knowing whats next n yes it scares the shit out of me.

but in some ways, i know that if we blink n let things go, we might get lost along the way.

i don know if ill ever get to courage to tell u what i need to tell u and ask u to take this leap of faith on me, but really. one and only one reason comes to mind. u smell like home. 

u are not to blame for. 

the closest people are the ones u usually neglect.

ive totally forgotten bout this fren i have.

its a friendship that certainly comes n goes, with spurts of anger in btw no doubt. but there is actually no questioning that we actually know each other for some time now. its funny how its been  7 years.

talked n certainly interesting stuff have come up.

the book of novelty. what men know about women and the book happens to be totally empty

how bout what women know about men.

and we have pages filled with absolute nonsense to begin with

we always almost safely assume that the other party gets ur point. but do we actually get our point across?

soul searching is certainly a must n a definite need.

you are not to blame for bitter sweet distractor

dare not speak its name

dedicated

we seperate like ripples on a blank shore.

how many times m i gonna allow u to do this to me before actually understanding that im just a fucking dimwit.

i had the weirdest dream.

so yeah. it came back to bite me in the ass.

i dreamt that a polo captain called me. n told me he was my new PC. which is weird cos thats ever gonna happen. well the story goes with how he was asking for me to actually go back to plt for 1 LAST shot. sounds like the god damn wrestler honestly.

in any case, yes, one last fire. which was apparently huge. so huge that my platoon didnt bother about it and seem so nonchalant. weird weird dream.

i obviously panicked because i returned my bunker a couple of days ago which means that, im fucked.

so yeah. all that while trading stocks n working at the cheesecake cafe.

in any case, the dream was all in a 42 min nap. and i have learnt bout what i really feel bout that platoon.

its pretty obvious that i have been taken advantage of in some senses.

yes im prob the only dam sgt who has never physically gotten his hands dirty in terms of punishing the people around me, but it is a known fact that i never need to have my hands dirty. 1 word n things could be pretty ugly for them. 

but. with the dream. its kinda like im suddenly realizing that my time for ns in the past 2 years has been seriously seriously optimized by the god damn force. in every sense of it. they won even let me go in my final 4 days.

---------------------------------------

there was a msg i received admist the really messy scene.

it came from a certain someone.

why why why.

stuffed to the neck like a turkey at a christmas dinner table.

thats definitely me.

ive seen some vigorous scratching in my life and nothing compares to how u do what u do to ur face.

ive seen some really conscious people bout their weight but nothing beats how u get all so sensitive bout it.

ive seen angelina jolie's lips and urs are not too far off, to me at least.

ive seen people do puzzles at a fast rate, none quite faster den you. mostly quieter, more humble and certainly less frantic too.

ive seen some strong willed people. none of them who be better and more motivated and willing to stand by their reasons like u.

ive seen attractive people in specs, none that cost only 12 bucks.

sleepless with alcohol

i never quite understand till now the power of alcohol and lack of sleep.

it is supposed to rub off each other if u know what i mean

in any case. i had a little fun watching the cup final. it was actually good to be honest.

far more than anything as compared to the past few days.

what topped it all of was how i never expected anything but still have them lift the trophy after that.

murphy's law

clearly indicates that whatever can go wrong will go wrong

and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way.

well said. never have i heard something better than this, more sensible or less truthful.

isnt that always the case? u wanna hail a cab but u are at the wrong side of the road.

u are queuing up for an atm and u just had to choose the one with a dimwit in front of u.

u know whats wrong but u just had to try proof urself otherwise, thinking its all worth it.

im not saying it hasnt been or that im giving up.

but i guess we all have our moments when our psychology gets the better of us.

this is definately one instance.

regretful.

extremely.

should have n would haves are in a place so far away now. i cant even begin to mention.

i need sleeeeeeeeeeep!

wrong side of the fence

stay, so faraway so close

always on the wrong side of the fence is an understatement

as i write this, i lay slumped and seriously demoralised.

i have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

the only cure seems to be 25 hoegaardens, it would definately help

not making any sense. but here comes the real shit.

i prob havent been persistent enough in the reminders about how one day, some day, something has got to be done/chosen/solved for us to move pass the stage that we currently find ourselves in.

the fear of having to wake up one day and live my life without u scares the shit out of me. it really does. i guess the whole lesson on over dependence is something that i cant learn. not now n i wish i never have the need to.

my thoughts are not just incoherent.i feel messed up just like u, believe it or not.

sigh.

what a difference a few hours make.
from being at the incident site to being in the comfort of my home in all of 3 hrs not only amazes me, it surpasses my expectations 10 folds.

so yeah, i was psychologically ready to do this overnight, sleeping on the floor of the jungle yet again n not having the water that i would require to have my body function normally.
but as usual, things took a turn for the unexpected and we were done in no time. the need for us seemed soo flawed a decision, more flaws den those of the national system.

on the other hand, i realised while i was driving a couple of days back that my days as a simpleton are coming to an end and its high time i set my priorities straight.
it used to get me all excited being this close but suddenly, im so messed up about it.

everything seems so uncertain and one thing is for sure, uncertainty kills me.
rem that.

over dress or under dress?

ive had my fair share of these 2 words the past few days.

am i under dressed?

the next day was, i was kinda afraid u were gonna under dress?

the very purpose of this would be to pen the thoughts of what i perceive of this apparent habit.

it pretty much reflects a lot don u think?

think under dress.

relate it to not being ready.

think about it more and u will get the whole thing with not being prepared. seriously not being prepared if u ask me. 

now comes the thing with over dressing.

relate it to being more than ready.

a little exaggerated but definitely the safer option of the 2 if u ask me, even though it leads to moments of over reaction.

which begs the question. which of the 2 would u rather be. would u over react or under react.

over reaction brings about problems that people would usually not want to be associated with .

under reaction. oh my. u don react to a certain problem and be deemed the wooden block of the 21st century. 

what we have here is not just a situation on our hands. its an apparent contradiction that we all hate, seem but at the same time love to have

unleashed

boisterous. ive realised that potential again. it only gets worked up like how adrenaline is. i have to dig it up from me and it starts and ends only from me.

so yes, i have broken another record. and when i say that i don actually mean a record in my own record books. but a record that is more den legit, im sure.
ive had weird images but whatever it is, ive been reminded that these are images that i shouldnt be living my live by, and in fact, make the best out of the situation

in any case, there was this once i asked. would u rather know when u would die, or not know ever. it works both ways. i mean, from my point of view, if i knew, i could react in the 2 most obvious ways. the first of which is to totally give up hope and not live my life wondering why and how it would happen.

the second would to obviously lead it in the best way possible. and make sure that i actually do whatever is in my means to make it the best that it could be. im saying that if i knew that i was leaving this place tmr, ill do whatever rocks my boat, be it the familiar bungee jump or that travelling to different parts of the world to enjoy the sights that both men and god has allowed us to view.

me? im no different.
optimism USUALLY runs thru me.
ive been reading the thing about the australian fire and when i was doing the jet that day, i realised that even though it sounds far fetched, its seriously somehting that could happen to us on this little island. yes we are surrounded by water but whats the worse that can happen? think titanic and the ship that was never suppose to sink is now deep in the ocean bed, with little or no remains.

ive talked about my apparent bucket list but before i do that, i should be thinking of a list to accomplish and goals to wake up to every morning.
for starters, winporting. i need to work that and work it right, thruout whatever period of time i have, thats for sure.
next, you. sort that out really.

everything i feared has and is slowly coming true.

ive been fearing leaving camp, getting an overdose and just the very fact of waking up one day and not having u there for me.

ive seen the sky turn dark and bright again, albeit with the help of popping tonneeees of those small evil things into my mouth and hoping that i don actually have to see the light anymore.

u used to be there in every way shape or form. 

give me back my mind and not leave me the way u have.

karmas a bitch and its certainly seeming to have a thing for making me suffer real bad.

my thoughts are running dry, and so is the blood that runs thru my body. every part of me is shutting down really slowly but surely. 

'winsur can u stop walking up n down n sleep'

these words are echoes in my head. as i type im seated on the chair with my back literally against the wall as my life is now. backed to a corner n no room to retreat.

too much on my shoulders. sometimes its not just work that teaches u that. everything around me is pointing in this direction. i obviously have way too much on my plate, more den i can ever finish up.

i had a whole dam afternoon of activities. from waiting for a fire call that seemed so close, to communicating soo effectively with people about the academy, there seemed to be soo much to do. soo much since the moment i left my car in the parking lot. 

but nothing changed. i havent had a peaceful mind in the past 72 hours. explains my god damn zombified look. but no one actually bothers? a tired/problem filled winsur still goes aboout doing what he can and even a winsur at such times can be taken for granted.

what can i say. i havent stopped thinking about u the whole time, right from the time u gave me that look. i must be really sillly but i took that really seriously. if ever, this is the time for me to tell u everything. but sometimes it seems like the song from lifehouse, hanging by a moment. but if only it would end the way the song did.

the past 2 days havent obviously been the most productive/best. it kills me to not be able to talk to u, let alone feel ur presence or even see u. i realise that u 2 have been together for a long time and maybe u felt last night, that he is the one for u again. and compared to me, he wins hands down. 

i cant deny the fact that u 2 have a history and its probably really difficult for me to ever impose on u in that sense because, simply we havent had a past to think about. i was mostly building for a future. in every sense of those words.

i mean everything i say. when i said i would like to bring u home, i meant it. when i say i wish u were the mum of my kids, i meant it. when i asked if u mind staying together with my parents, i meant it. all the fucking way thru to the part where i asked if u mind being heard by my parents in that very same house. its utterly inappropriate but i know it would be really funny yet lovely.

we were kinda sorta having a normal relationship, or not? u added that spring in my step and motivated me to work harder for the future. the moment i won the money i did at adam khoo, the only person that i wanted to actually be able to see that very moment was u. i wanted to show to u den and there n despite the fact that i was so young, i was gonna do everything in my fucking might to make things work for the future, in the future. 

yes i realise that it prob isnt that im not good enough or inferior in any way, its just the past that u have. but isnt that unfair to me? 

the past the present the future. i don know what will be n i cant ever promise u anything. all u need to know is that since the 2nd of dec, ive enjoyed my time with u more den all of the previous 3 combined 3 folds because of one thing n one thing only, i knew right from the start that i loved u. yes at times u drive me mad. the waiting for u when u clear the laundry, to waiting for u to bring down 2 utterly useless things to cash convertors, to cleaning winters crap out of her cage or just waiting to bring u to the doctors, i swear i was driving myself crazy in every sense of the a1 song. but when u came into the car n asked are u angry, u had ur way. u really did. i fell for it soo bad i cant even comprehend now. it doesnt end there. u drive me crazy when u sleep in the car the whole time n not bother bout me when i talk to myself, and worse still not communicate with me when u jolly well know that i could n would in a heart beat. 

the only thing i really don wan is for u to drive away from this whole situation and out of my life. 

eve of the eve

nothing has really gotten into me the past days apart from the word responsibility.

it is. overrated. or maybe underrated. lets see

overrated

yeah prob. the responsibility on one can be misused, and severely abused.

a simple task that requires basic honesty and resposibility could go wrong.

a task like waking up at a certain time to work or making calls to clarify an issue are such simple matters to begin with. 

but we are humans and the only thing thats common among all of us is the fact that we conform to standards that are just below par at best.

we don do as much as we can, most of the time having an over reliance on another to clear the mess left behind. worse still, we just neglect the simplest of responsibility tasked by a loved one and think its of least importance.

underrated

u damn right this is. i feel that at times. im here. most of the time for that matter.

lets see. okay. the responsibility of so many things usually fall on the tiny shoulders of that one person. and this keeps piling up like the thrash at lorong halus. pple observe and notice the reliability of one, thus realizing the ease of pushing everything to that poor thing. it doesnt stop there. im not just talkin about the responsibilities no, im talking about the definate neglect that would certainly follow. as there is an over reliance, pple just conform and belief that everything should be on that poor souls shoulders, and worse still, not appreciate the simple things that are taken for granted everyday.

what m i saying.

its made out to seem like its my fault about being in ns. excuse me, as much as i would love for it to not happen, i hate to remind you tat im wasting more of my life den u could ever understand. talk about fucking consolidation, this is in fact a downtrend more den anything else don u think?

its messed up. im feeling like im just running my head straight into the wall. i feel like a piece of clothing on display. ive probably showed u how i am like, and in the sense of a clothing point of view, showed u every angle of this fabric that i seemingly am. if thats not enough, the price too, and where i am made etc etc. ive showed u soo much and ive had little response and a lot of nonchalance. god so help me please. the only way i think u could help would be to do what i think u should do to me. at times this is such a tempting way out of everything, as sad as it sounds.

winporting should help me get thru some tough times. but i need to constantly remind myself about how i should bear the scalability part in mind more den anything else? i need to tink of it in the magnification p.o.v

There's another world inside of meThat you may never seeThere're secrets in this lifeThat I can't hideSomewhere in this darknessThere's a light that I can't findMaybe it's too far away...Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm hereRight me when I'm wrongHold me when I'm scaredAnd love me when I'm goneEverything I amAnd everything in meWants to be the oneYou wanted me to beI'll never let you downEven if I couldI'd give up everythingIf only for your good

my definition

fear - when u wake up one morning and lose track of ur aims/goals in life, and the next thing u know, u've lost everything that is dear to u

niceties - are when u are just over polite with people who don deserve ur time

luxury - when u live the way u love to in terms of materialism, way above ur expectations

greed - when u have what u have, but it isnt enough and u just keep wanting more

love - when u constantly think about and worry about someone and want them to be at their best, be it family or spouses

friends - when u have people who don treat u like enemies, very simple isnt it.

goals - things u want to achieve, setting u on the path of life that u would want to be on

torture - looking at ur face and wondering whats on that mind

if i had a penny for everytime i think about how u think. ill be richer den bill gates. i really would.

the best birthday presents are usually things that are intangible. like experiences.

its still too early to tell and its a little ironic, but i feel like i just received a present thats both intangible, yet costly at the same time.

ive seen the look on peoples faces when they hear that i was actually sent to wealth academy. it sounds like a total an absolute fraud considering how its an "investment" on my education by sissy, or in her words, the only present ill ever get that could actually kickstart/set me in motion.

im not talking about anything thats supposedly too life changing but a course that actually educates u on what u require to know before dabbling into foreign land.

the things ive learnt from the 60 hours ive spent in 3.5 days at that seat my ass was glued too was more den just the bollingers, parabollic sar or candlestick magic tricks ill ever learn. it taught me the importance of a few matters. first of which, is ur network. i shall not talk about this but starting this soon should honestly be a real priority.

next would be the importance of not generalizing. i was probably the youngest, if not 2nd youngest, in an environment that was filled with people of an average age of 30s+ going on the 40s. and seriously, i looked like a clown in there. these people were actively participating in terms of asking questions and having queries on the more important stuff. as usual, i take a back seat to everything n analyse before attempting to make myself look stupid. as what i always say, if ure good enough, u're darn well old enough.

now the thing that really pissed me off was how the people around me seemed to have this general feeling about me. i might come across as rather arrogant/ignorant at the first impression but dont get me wrong, we all have our traits and like sissy, we actually belong to group of people that are most polite in every way possible. i hate to say this but sissy got more attention den me and its not that im jealous, im just wanting pple to know that u can look like how u look, but shouldnt be generalised

i won my entire salary last night in a game that was spread out over 10 parts, testing ur money management skills more den anything else when it came to investing in property and analysing a stock. i could say that we had the same strategy, implanted right from the start. the only difference was that single house that i had, more den her. i was probably using my head more in terms of squeezing my money and literally milking it for what its worth. im seriously glad and proud that i made it into the top 8, 7 to be exact. i lost to people who were obviously better den me, but that doesnt really matter. it seemed like the people that i actually proved wrong along the way that gave me more satisfaction more den anything else.

its a game, yes n i shouldnt be taking the results too seriously but honestly, when u put in 200 and have a chance of 10800, its all about being opportunistic, isnt it? the winnings, i invested into my education, the first time ive ever done that n im sure it wont ever go to waste. the purpose of this post is to actually constantly remind myself of the one thing that i wanna do for the rest of my life that i read from kiyosaki's book.

the greatest satisfaction in owning something new is when u own it thru the means of ur financial intelligence.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

seriously. im disappointed. i think i deserve a more upbeat answer.

and to think about it, im soo disappointed that im really really in a bad place now.

kill me.

desertion / wild card

the year has started butt not in the way i would like it to. however, the first post with real thought has come in the form of a macbook, which i love and was advised against getting. however, i refuse to budge. i really refused.

tongue tied. fingers locked.

i need to get used to this.

im in a bad place. there is no doubt about that. the past 5 days havent honestly been set in the most ideal of situations if u know what i mean. ive been stuck in camp, made to feel dispensible for a moment, and indispensible the next. the thought of that is not only utterly contradicting/ but disgusting. it just shows that im being taken advantage of and milked for all that im worth. 

u call and talk about the least sensitive stuff in terms of giving me my time off. i dare say there is not a doubt u have no other person more deserving than me to have 6 fucking duties off. u can take these 6 duties n count them against all the sleepless nights ive had for u, before judging me with ur green eyes. im different from u. im supposed to serve n back off but im soo full of having my hands in the situation that u're prob more reliant on me den any other sect comd u ever had. arggh. 

den we have the thing about companionship/love.

its often confused and its never as simple as the words seem to be but put it this way. companionship is a subset of love. its pretty much all that. u need to love the companionship and company before it can ever develop to love. 

with that being said, there are times where companionship is just enjoyed and its never fully taken to the next level. i mean, the potential for love is never fulfilled and just neglected. its hard to explain but theres just a difference btw the 2.

and the car wash helps to clear my mind. thoughts have come about, including how saddad once told me that the thing about love is that u actually allow that love one u have to pretty much do whatever he/she wants to do and still love despite how the rest of the morons out there cant appreciate it. cited examples are when one of u just talks to much / scratches the face ALL DAY / ponders over 3 dollars containers for over 45 mins / sleeps while conversing over the phone / gets all angsty over little matters. man u get my point. and when i say u get it, u prob would. and at times, still complete my sentences for me. growl.

im obviously not saying that its all only about that. its also about how im intrigued, illusioned n prob illusioned by ur actions. at times, u have that difference in u that makes me feel like u're seriously a cut above the rest of us. u really do. sigh.

im not making sense? its the fatigue. but im confused really. i don know what my next step is. its like playing chess and im prob a few moves away from checkmate but suddenly, i have doubts over the fact that i should even be competing considering my lack of credentials.

we've talked about achievements over the years and its about time. the living example of what would be detrimental to my family is within the house and i have to just constantly remind myself of what i don want to appear like in a decade. 

ive sat down n thought about my bills and goals over the next 3 years. excited. hardly. motivated, most fucking definately. i need to make this work. when u look at me and wait for me to trip and fall on my face, the more im gonna rebel n show u how it should be done the way u know im capable of. after all, i AM the wild card and the equalizer in this whole equation. just watch. and remind me on a daily basis of what im capable of

i hate the fact that im back here. im made to feel like im just an extended part of this family that is actually indispensible.

i hate how i try to make my feelings known but everytime i actually do that, i seem to sense an air of nonchalance around u.

i hate how i am, im seriously pissed off at how the running just suddenly doesnt seem to be working in terms of clearing my mind anymore.

i hate how i let everything go, the moment u give that smile.

i seriously seriously SERIOUSLY hate it when i try my very bestest to convince u on the need of a certain something and u just refuse to listen, basically because u think u know better. i don doubt the fact that u are a rather intelligent girl, but sometimes, listening and filtering the good/bad points could work wonders.

i just HAVE a lot of hatred in me. most of which im getting the feeling is for myself, and nothing seems to be for u.

i didnt think that it would be appropriate. but just by that alone, i think its the cause of my current suffering.

clogged up mind is what i have now. im obviously a litttttle paranoid and i cant begin to explain the little disappointment thats creeping into me slowly.

please please please please please not disappoint me.

fly away

walk.
left or right.
do i actually walk away now and save everyone the trauma?