nothing beats an ice cold beer and an apparent bucket list.
nothing final out of the list but thoughts are flowing, and my mind is subconciously engineering its greatest achievement yet! the show prob came up with all of 15 from 2 pple who had a combined age of 150++ to say the least. so coming from a 20 yr old, this shouldnt be hyper extended if u know what i mean.

im seeing it and i really hate to be it. im seeing what i don wanna become in 30 yrs. worse still, each time i see u, its a bigger reason for me to motivate and remind myself of what i honestly wouldnt wanna be. its really harsh for me to be saying that of u, and don get me wrong but i really do treasure all u have done for me since the moment i was conceived but ur actions at times just really leave me stranded. im trying hard enough so please, im not asking for appreciation or acceptance but just a little consideration.

its been a few days and unpredictability is just an understatement.
i went for the match live and nothing beats nostalgia.
yes i get u. i hate watching it LIVE sometimes cos u really don know whats going on.
its different frm having it on ur LCD where everything is crystal clear, and goals are just properly defined. in any case, the atmosphere is just different n to be able to actually feel ur emotions together with 50000 other pple, thats just something u wanna feel once in a while.

well, the match pissed us off big time. we lost to a team full of play actors. i personally admire a player of ronaldo's calibre but ive never condone his diving. the viets were like diving as though it was the vietnam war all over again n there were bullets flying around?! argh. its fucking football, not captain's ball. toughen up n stop playing like pussys!

on to more serious stuff.
sometimes i think i should give u time to think cos it appears to me thats what u need? but other times i relaise that yeah, we're soo god damn comfy with each other.

u talk about making pple ur habits? i don want to just be another habit to u. i wanna be more den that u know? i shuld be a certain muscle spasm of urs? like how u're alwys saying ure cold? yeah. i wanna be something like that. u're prob gonna brush me off as nonsense but really. if i were to put it simply, i ought to be that reflex action of urs, or or second nature to everything u do?
habit can sound mean. really.

patience is a virtue we should all learn to have. and windy always learns stuff the hardest way possible. its like as though i always seem to have 2 options but subconciously, i pick the harder of the 2, for whatever reasons i cant comprehend as it seems like asking if either the chicken or the egg came first?

and whatever i said last night about home n coming over. i meant it. u prob didnt take me seriously but correct me if im wrong, u looked like u were thinking about it too? i hope its mutual, and that u will get the same thing with me soon but it doesnt matter, u could take ur time. all i honestly want is that crazy kitten smile.

talk about underrated n underused.
2 terms came about from the whole of yesterday that kept setting me to think.
kinda works like how the bell does for grandma. the words came in, triggered thoughts that seemed soo unlikely, and got me thinking. the first is just said in the song. the other. i heard 4 times in the space of 1 hour from 4 different conversations, albeit the fact that out of the 4, 3 times it rocked the show known as californication.

btw. fornication = sexual intercourse, especially on the part of an unmarried person (from wikitionary, just for YOU) haha. this is just to make sure u trust the fact that i actually know what im talking on a regular basis in that egoistic tone of mine, n im not making it sound like i know when im actually the empty vessel u think i am? =x as u would say it, next!!

light of day. well. this could mean a million different things if u actually think about it n think hard enough. its kinda sorta not really like how light at the end of the tunnel works? but it is?

oh well. hypocrisy is all around me as i speak. n i hate this. i hate u sissy. u always leave me alone, in the lurch with these pple! talk about feeling weird n out of place. i shall research n do more effective reading!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKGHVpV7V3k

im not living
im just killing time
ur tiny hands
ur crazy kitten smile.

to me, naturally, u enjoy urself most when u do it with the person u love.
it could be something utterly senseless and stupid, and it could dam well be the lousiest u've ever had but just having it with the right person wud make everything not only seem right, it would definately feel like its the best darn thing that ever happened.

the issue of logevity in this relationship prob frightens the holy crap out of the 2 of us. nothing is actually ever gonna seem that assuring when u first start. but who can actually tell the future right?

ive been thinking long n hard n it didnt help that last night was a total disaster.
from the time i went for a sale that was hardly a testament to its name, to the shoutings, all the way thru the period where the fridge just wouldnt dispense the ice that i soooooo desperately needed to cool my god dam ass off. the punching bag was just in the wrong persons hands. i felt bad that he couldnt/didnt dare to punch/kick that hard but im sorry. i sincerely apologise but i had to do it. it felt like i was worthy of a cobain moment myself with the whole shotgun in my mouth.

and i set off this morning with the feeling that i prob wasnt the only one having one of the lousier nights in my life. this was a stark contrast to the feeling i had felt the previous night, with all the excitement in my head. i was blasting the songs n radiohead as usual makes me feel better. but just when i turned out onto the slip road n saw the sign that indicated my camp, 2 things happened at the same time. a message and a song to compliment it. i didnt have to read it. i just couldnt help but burst.

talking to u made me feel a lot better in every sense of it possible.
u know there are some qualities i would love to have or already think im moulding myself to have. the first of which would be to emulate a certain style of a player i truly admire. he plys his trade by what seems to me are the very basics den one shuld definately adopt in life.

the first is not being fazed by the occassion. u know no matter how old u are, u are old enough if u are good enough. no one is gonna tell u that ure too young or too old. definately not the god damn sticky situation u might find urself in. in fact, it should only propel u onto greater things n spur u on to make choices, decisions n have dreams greater den the rest.

the second. god. ive lived by this since i was 16, just after i started working. thats dogged determination. i cant talk about how i really have this but if u know me, u prob realise that when i work, im usually not as smart as i shuld be. i mean it should mostly be work smart n not hard but the many pple who have worked with me n know me well enough ccan testify that poor lil windy usually belongs to the group of the latter, thus not excelling as much as he can at times. i know i need to wisen up a little in this aspect n hopefully, the service has opened my eyes in ways only i can comprehend. but i ultimately believe that hard work should pay off, in ways n forms u cant ever see.

and as such, i should definately be applying this to what we have. u know. im never gonna let this determination go cos im really sure i know what i want, for the first in a very very long time.

impulsive u might say but the longer i look and work at this, the more i love. and for that very matter, everyday i live here on out shuld serve as a reminder for me to make things work, and allow me to just show u what im worth in every sense of it all.

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

part 1

a bad thing that happens is usually followed by a million other mishaps.

flashback to the day u were just at macdonalds. i actually gathered the courage to actually decide to call u and it was the logical thing to do, instead of actually waiting for a reply that might never come.

there at mackers u stood, with what seemed like poise and gracefulness. i hope im not putting u too high up on the pedestal but seriously, that was what u seemed like.it seemed to me as though the 2 yrs had never passed u by the moment we actually started talking normally. and the memories that followed seemed like they werent all that faraway to begin with. they were mostly fond, one of which particularly funny, and yes it cracks me up the same way it would to u how we got caught and did things the way we did on that day. but u rem the sandwich and how we were enjoying it? at that particular moment it seemed like nothing would go wrong. nothing at all. in that instant, despite the fact that we were at the hospital visiting someone who was terribly ill, it seemed like happiness was in the making.

the scar brought u to my attention but i have to say, it wud be mean of me to just say that the scar alone is worthy of my time. put it really simply. the scar brought the goodness of u to me n vice versa. at times i say that my boss, who gave u my number, seemed to bring me all the misfortune with making me get to know u and everything. but other times, i think its prob the best thing i ever got in return for all my hardwork at sb.

love at first sight? hardly? physical attraction? definately not with how i look like crap. but gradual love. i hardly doubt so.

the days n nights that i spend with u, despite the 2 yrs apart, are definately memories i will treasure. but i hope they don just remain memories, distant in the extreme case, like what i say. i have loads more in store for u. be it the pouty lips, the skin centre promise or just the fats u claim to have, i have more dissing in store for u, together with loads of hopes about a relationship which i honestly hope could be beautiful, if given a chance.

gloves.

when i say fit like a glove, i mean feeling really comfy. its like putting a baby in a cot? thats random but honestly. its hard to put it in words. nontheless, i shall attempt. its that look i get from u when i hold u close. the way u actually feel when u're in the car on the highway with me, n vice versa? all comfy and hoping that time would actually be stuck at that very moment? or even how u look when i talk about the scar, all angsty but not knowing whether to laugh?. deep inside, u know i love it n u're comfortable with it. u know its hard to explain this gloveliness btw us, but i somehow feel its mutual. sometimes i actually wonder if i ever felt love from anybody. and at times, i feel it from u? i hope im not jumping ahead of the gun or just rocking the boat over vigorously but i honestly feel it?

whatever the decision u make, im actually not really ready for a bad one honestly. and deep inside, i yearn for u to choose me. i don think it could suck more den the 2 yrs ive had without u.

closure. ive never had any. i don want any. i wish everything with u would blossom into a lot more den just what it is. in fact, i wish it wud float on n allow me to be able to show u how much i actually really appreciate ur being and everything.

dear god.the only thing i ask of u is to hold u when im not around when im much to far away.
i seem to have so much more to say.

true love waits.

just when i said i was enjoying myself with u, things took a turn for the worse.im not he sharpest knife the the drawer, but certainly aint in the last few drawers if u know what i meani reckon im somewhere in the middle but when it comes to stuff as such, im like a fucking chopping board.
ive basically placed myself on the line n i really have no one and nth to blame for my stupidity but myself.i really cant begin to tell u how much it sucks deep inside but i think lying to u bout it wud make whatever choice u make less painful den it already is.i have a tonnes of ideas in my head about things i needa b doing but i cant get this off my head. my head seems to be spinning faster den a fucking steering wheel when i was driving just a couple of mins ago?and u know. u are the light of the day, the thing that actually made the transition from night to day oh soo smooth for me.and sometimes i hope its just me n u running thru that monsoon making things work when we come out of it all.fuck. i love u.

midnight.

what a ride.
talk about a roller coaster day of events. the moment it struck 12, it seemed weird. really. now im hoping for something thats prob never gonna happen.

leaving me to hang. it reminds me of this song hanging on a moment here with u by lifehouse. the words just perfectly describe how i feel. maybe at the rate this is at, this is just not it. but i cant begin to explain to u how i honestly think its all good when im actually WITH WITH u. when im not, i seem to feel all this nonsense im feeling. just tell me how u feel and that u wanna be with me. thats all i ask for before midnight.

the need to clean today comes with the need to actually eradicate the more unhealthy parts of my life. the keyboard im typing on has certainly got itself some rough treatment for something that really shuldnt be faulted for. but i really didnt know what to do. and for once in my life, i realised the saying bout how u shuld clean when ure upset ACTUALLY works. i mean. i took a deep breathe n started wiping. like there was no tmr.

but who m i lying to at this stage, i shuld have certainly known better den to expect a picture of goodness admist the mess i have found myself in. s

subconciously, i know this would happen but the conscious mind was certainly in its biggest denial yet. a bed of roses arent what they seem suddenly but the whole thing with extra baggage shuld seem quite apparent and normal if u actually think about it.

pls fast forward n put winsur into a time capsule, catapult him into a place 5 yrs from now cos he really doesnt wanna go thru the process. u know they say its the journey and not the destination u shuld ultimately enjoy? i think otherwise. especially today.

12 hrs later. some things have changed, more secrets out of the window n suddenly i feel like crap. sigh u know i always get this crappy phase within. like one moment im fine but at the mention of a certain something, ill be like the snail that i usually am, and back into that shell of mine i go and i would suddenly reflect 3 folds?

put it this way, its killing me softly as how the song was made famous but in the words of another song, my hopes are so high that ur kiss will kill me.

oh my. what am i saying.

hanging by a thread

once again u've done it. im left hanging here not knowing what happened, its as if a train just hit me n left me for dead.

u have that ability to cast that spell on me n i seriously do not appreciate the fact that here i am sitting all fucking night waiting for u and i have no clue where u are because its just not in me to question ur beinng and doing.

i reckon this is technically the worse night EVER. all the damn planning ive done has gone to waste just like how another off day is in the drain.

im lost in this mess. someone show me the light please.

u know songs come and go but there are always that few that would get u all excited just when it starts. its kinda how u just wouldnt be bored listening to it non stop all day cos it actually knows how u feel and just the sound of it soothes ur soul.

well these days, im a cross btw everything. from coldplays the scientist, tokio hotels monsoon, sevenfolds dear god and the killers human. i cant actually explain how i feel either.
its like u take these 4 songs, put them all in a food/word processer, mix it up reallll nice and spit everything out. its abit of everything listed above. all at once.

the past week has thought me to prob never stick my nose in business i reallly shouldnt be sticking it in again. its kinda my fault where i am right now but at the same time, u cant blame me for i've been thinking bout this foor soo dam long wondering if i actually had another shot. its just bringing a little more pain den it shuld.

thus the need for more tkd. when i kick and punch, i picture a face i saw vaguely 3 yrs ago. and that face i really needa vent my frustrations on. about time i actually put my dam anger together with a coloured belt that would mean something in someways.