point of no return

the thought of taking mdis den was a fucking stupid move i swear but considering how i didnt have enuff money den. its something i cant control. that amt of money vs the time im gonna waste. its technically intangible but lets just put it this way. it takes a while to mature.

if i start. i cant fucking start till april. which happens to b both good and bad. bad because. fuck man. i have to wait. AGAIN. good because. good golly god its just after i ORD. that has to b godsent but not quick enuff definately.

maturing late is a prob. "i was threading water and living like a hippie for 2 yrs on my own" chilling words n those 2 yrs might come back to haunt me.
i thought i did fine. u dam right it allowed me to mature n learn a lot on my own bout independence but i guess u have to fail at some point. being perfect all the time is apparently something that is harder to achieve for me den passing the broad jump; totally unrelated but u get my point.

i was never smart enuff to realise what was next and i think if i ever have my offspring. thats the most important thing i need to tell them of. whats next on the never ending highway of education. i mean. i certainly got the whole point of jc/poly. but never did i realise what was in store after that. i have no one to blame but myself for the naviety never got into my head n i thought i was doing fine. as they say. ignorance is bliss, and that very fact for which i was ignorant about it, is sad. its done n dusted but certainly i wud live to regret it. ron says stop regretting bout life n i need to stop living it the way i m n start making things work.

u know. some pple take longer but u eventually get there n when u get there. the success of it is sweeter den the chewing dragees thats lying on the table. that aside. sissy made sense of it all by talkking bout the drive n putting it simply in perspective. u cud certainly do other things to keep u motivated now. and when it comes. ure gonna jump at the opportunity like never before. im ACTUALLY EAGER FOR SCH
i wan to go back to sch. first time in the 19.5yrs i have been breathing that i miss sch. ah. fuck. windy has got to make up his mind

24

start.
european glory. finally. at an age where i make sense of it.
duel with my arch nemesis, the broad jump went in a great way as i stood toe to toe n kicked it right in the chin.
and next a scene that came straight from a music video i swear. i quote "I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man." i'll let ur live ur life cos it wont be fair to u if u have another fuck tart who bothers u like travis. whatever it is. take care n u look great. just that it was just a reality check. big fat slap right in the kisser. of well.

i realise how i didnt deserve to be in the same train as u. god. m i that pathetic n have i done that much wrong? sigh.

And i dream about somewhere, a smoke will fill the air
As i lay awaken and wait for you to walk out that door
I can change, i can change, i can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, i'm the same, i'm the same, what do you want me to be?

i cant wait.

this is nonsense really.
it sucks to have ur fate dictated by a single phone call which cud threaten to place u in a cell where u spend ur time facing 4 walls. it really sucks. yes discipline is instilled but even outside of these camps, money is used to threatened us. so how is actually fair for our lives to be dictated by a call. worse still. after all the hard work u actually put in. how is it actually worth it. i get no recognition. my heart aches just watching how this works. its not even my job to begin with.

the wait is certainly killing me softly. n im trying so hard not to think about it but to no avail of course. i really need march the 13th to come around. again. n quickly at that. the bad news is. from now till den. i have more den 280 days. fucking kill me pls.

error in judgement.

may.
never a mth i used to like. for different reasons as the yrs go by but just another reason to not like this.

ive been taught a rather severe lesson to not sleep so much. and take life more seriously. like how this guy always says. ull sleep forever one day. just make the best of everything now. so yes. rewind to that day. i was done with driving. of which i had a great 15 mins. everything was great and i did absolutely nothing wrong. i swear if i drove like that during the test. it'll go well. den as usual i lost concentration n focus. i suck really. after driving. thru out the lesson. i dwelled on paying him a visit cos of wat mum said. she actually said gasping for his breath. n so i called dad after driving and he told me bout going the next day because there was prob no 1 there n he honestly wont b able to recognise me without dad. next thing i knew, i had a call while on duty just before midnight. this was one hell of a bad time to call. my dad obviously knows when i work so he wont have called, unless absolutely necessary. n his words were really sharp.

that made me feel even worse. that wise old man. who had prob done a job i wud love to have n read more books den i will ever dream of, the same old man who is in a good way responsible for filling up my house cabinets with wrestling videos enuff to open a shop. ive talked about how watching western shows help the english thing n i swear he has a huge part to play in it. i sat in the bus on the way to the crematrioum and i realised he recorded videos for me for about 6 yrs. non stop without fail. n all i cud have done was visit him that last time. thats the best i cud do for him but instead. i went against that ever evil gut feeling of mine n went back to camp. how fucking stupid can i get really.