nothing beats an ice cold beer and an apparent bucket list.
nothing final out of the list but thoughts are flowing, and my mind is subconciously engineering its greatest achievement yet! the show prob came up with all of 15 from 2 pple who had a combined age of 150++ to say the least. so coming from a 20 yr old, this shouldnt be hyper extended if u know what i mean.

im seeing it and i really hate to be it. im seeing what i don wanna become in 30 yrs. worse still, each time i see u, its a bigger reason for me to motivate and remind myself of what i honestly wouldnt wanna be. its really harsh for me to be saying that of u, and don get me wrong but i really do treasure all u have done for me since the moment i was conceived but ur actions at times just really leave me stranded. im trying hard enough so please, im not asking for appreciation or acceptance but just a little consideration.

its been a few days and unpredictability is just an understatement.
i went for the match live and nothing beats nostalgia.
yes i get u. i hate watching it LIVE sometimes cos u really don know whats going on.
its different frm having it on ur LCD where everything is crystal clear, and goals are just properly defined. in any case, the atmosphere is just different n to be able to actually feel ur emotions together with 50000 other pple, thats just something u wanna feel once in a while.

well, the match pissed us off big time. we lost to a team full of play actors. i personally admire a player of ronaldo's calibre but ive never condone his diving. the viets were like diving as though it was the vietnam war all over again n there were bullets flying around?! argh. its fucking football, not captain's ball. toughen up n stop playing like pussys!

on to more serious stuff.
sometimes i think i should give u time to think cos it appears to me thats what u need? but other times i relaise that yeah, we're soo god damn comfy with each other.

u talk about making pple ur habits? i don want to just be another habit to u. i wanna be more den that u know? i shuld be a certain muscle spasm of urs? like how u're alwys saying ure cold? yeah. i wanna be something like that. u're prob gonna brush me off as nonsense but really. if i were to put it simply, i ought to be that reflex action of urs, or or second nature to everything u do?
habit can sound mean. really.

patience is a virtue we should all learn to have. and windy always learns stuff the hardest way possible. its like as though i always seem to have 2 options but subconciously, i pick the harder of the 2, for whatever reasons i cant comprehend as it seems like asking if either the chicken or the egg came first?

and whatever i said last night about home n coming over. i meant it. u prob didnt take me seriously but correct me if im wrong, u looked like u were thinking about it too? i hope its mutual, and that u will get the same thing with me soon but it doesnt matter, u could take ur time. all i honestly want is that crazy kitten smile.

talk about underrated n underused.
2 terms came about from the whole of yesterday that kept setting me to think.
kinda works like how the bell does for grandma. the words came in, triggered thoughts that seemed soo unlikely, and got me thinking. the first is just said in the song. the other. i heard 4 times in the space of 1 hour from 4 different conversations, albeit the fact that out of the 4, 3 times it rocked the show known as californication.

btw. fornication = sexual intercourse, especially on the part of an unmarried person (from wikitionary, just for YOU) haha. this is just to make sure u trust the fact that i actually know what im talking on a regular basis in that egoistic tone of mine, n im not making it sound like i know when im actually the empty vessel u think i am? =x as u would say it, next!!

light of day. well. this could mean a million different things if u actually think about it n think hard enough. its kinda sorta not really like how light at the end of the tunnel works? but it is?

oh well. hypocrisy is all around me as i speak. n i hate this. i hate u sissy. u always leave me alone, in the lurch with these pple! talk about feeling weird n out of place. i shall research n do more effective reading!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKGHVpV7V3k

im not living
im just killing time
ur tiny hands
ur crazy kitten smile.

to me, naturally, u enjoy urself most when u do it with the person u love.
it could be something utterly senseless and stupid, and it could dam well be the lousiest u've ever had but just having it with the right person wud make everything not only seem right, it would definately feel like its the best darn thing that ever happened.

the issue of logevity in this relationship prob frightens the holy crap out of the 2 of us. nothing is actually ever gonna seem that assuring when u first start. but who can actually tell the future right?

ive been thinking long n hard n it didnt help that last night was a total disaster.
from the time i went for a sale that was hardly a testament to its name, to the shoutings, all the way thru the period where the fridge just wouldnt dispense the ice that i soooooo desperately needed to cool my god dam ass off. the punching bag was just in the wrong persons hands. i felt bad that he couldnt/didnt dare to punch/kick that hard but im sorry. i sincerely apologise but i had to do it. it felt like i was worthy of a cobain moment myself with the whole shotgun in my mouth.

and i set off this morning with the feeling that i prob wasnt the only one having one of the lousier nights in my life. this was a stark contrast to the feeling i had felt the previous night, with all the excitement in my head. i was blasting the songs n radiohead as usual makes me feel better. but just when i turned out onto the slip road n saw the sign that indicated my camp, 2 things happened at the same time. a message and a song to compliment it. i didnt have to read it. i just couldnt help but burst.

talking to u made me feel a lot better in every sense of it possible.
u know there are some qualities i would love to have or already think im moulding myself to have. the first of which would be to emulate a certain style of a player i truly admire. he plys his trade by what seems to me are the very basics den one shuld definately adopt in life.

the first is not being fazed by the occassion. u know no matter how old u are, u are old enough if u are good enough. no one is gonna tell u that ure too young or too old. definately not the god damn sticky situation u might find urself in. in fact, it should only propel u onto greater things n spur u on to make choices, decisions n have dreams greater den the rest.

the second. god. ive lived by this since i was 16, just after i started working. thats dogged determination. i cant talk about how i really have this but if u know me, u prob realise that when i work, im usually not as smart as i shuld be. i mean it should mostly be work smart n not hard but the many pple who have worked with me n know me well enough ccan testify that poor lil windy usually belongs to the group of the latter, thus not excelling as much as he can at times. i know i need to wisen up a little in this aspect n hopefully, the service has opened my eyes in ways only i can comprehend. but i ultimately believe that hard work should pay off, in ways n forms u cant ever see.

and as such, i should definately be applying this to what we have. u know. im never gonna let this determination go cos im really sure i know what i want, for the first in a very very long time.

impulsive u might say but the longer i look and work at this, the more i love. and for that very matter, everyday i live here on out shuld serve as a reminder for me to make things work, and allow me to just show u what im worth in every sense of it all.

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

part 1

a bad thing that happens is usually followed by a million other mishaps.

flashback to the day u were just at macdonalds. i actually gathered the courage to actually decide to call u and it was the logical thing to do, instead of actually waiting for a reply that might never come.

there at mackers u stood, with what seemed like poise and gracefulness. i hope im not putting u too high up on the pedestal but seriously, that was what u seemed like.it seemed to me as though the 2 yrs had never passed u by the moment we actually started talking normally. and the memories that followed seemed like they werent all that faraway to begin with. they were mostly fond, one of which particularly funny, and yes it cracks me up the same way it would to u how we got caught and did things the way we did on that day. but u rem the sandwich and how we were enjoying it? at that particular moment it seemed like nothing would go wrong. nothing at all. in that instant, despite the fact that we were at the hospital visiting someone who was terribly ill, it seemed like happiness was in the making.

the scar brought u to my attention but i have to say, it wud be mean of me to just say that the scar alone is worthy of my time. put it really simply. the scar brought the goodness of u to me n vice versa. at times i say that my boss, who gave u my number, seemed to bring me all the misfortune with making me get to know u and everything. but other times, i think its prob the best thing i ever got in return for all my hardwork at sb.

love at first sight? hardly? physical attraction? definately not with how i look like crap. but gradual love. i hardly doubt so.

the days n nights that i spend with u, despite the 2 yrs apart, are definately memories i will treasure. but i hope they don just remain memories, distant in the extreme case, like what i say. i have loads more in store for u. be it the pouty lips, the skin centre promise or just the fats u claim to have, i have more dissing in store for u, together with loads of hopes about a relationship which i honestly hope could be beautiful, if given a chance.

gloves.

when i say fit like a glove, i mean feeling really comfy. its like putting a baby in a cot? thats random but honestly. its hard to put it in words. nontheless, i shall attempt. its that look i get from u when i hold u close. the way u actually feel when u're in the car on the highway with me, n vice versa? all comfy and hoping that time would actually be stuck at that very moment? or even how u look when i talk about the scar, all angsty but not knowing whether to laugh?. deep inside, u know i love it n u're comfortable with it. u know its hard to explain this gloveliness btw us, but i somehow feel its mutual. sometimes i actually wonder if i ever felt love from anybody. and at times, i feel it from u? i hope im not jumping ahead of the gun or just rocking the boat over vigorously but i honestly feel it?

whatever the decision u make, im actually not really ready for a bad one honestly. and deep inside, i yearn for u to choose me. i don think it could suck more den the 2 yrs ive had without u.

closure. ive never had any. i don want any. i wish everything with u would blossom into a lot more den just what it is. in fact, i wish it wud float on n allow me to be able to show u how much i actually really appreciate ur being and everything.

dear god.the only thing i ask of u is to hold u when im not around when im much to far away.
i seem to have so much more to say.

true love waits.

just when i said i was enjoying myself with u, things took a turn for the worse.im not he sharpest knife the the drawer, but certainly aint in the last few drawers if u know what i meani reckon im somewhere in the middle but when it comes to stuff as such, im like a fucking chopping board.
ive basically placed myself on the line n i really have no one and nth to blame for my stupidity but myself.i really cant begin to tell u how much it sucks deep inside but i think lying to u bout it wud make whatever choice u make less painful den it already is.i have a tonnes of ideas in my head about things i needa b doing but i cant get this off my head. my head seems to be spinning faster den a fucking steering wheel when i was driving just a couple of mins ago?and u know. u are the light of the day, the thing that actually made the transition from night to day oh soo smooth for me.and sometimes i hope its just me n u running thru that monsoon making things work when we come out of it all.fuck. i love u.

midnight.

what a ride.
talk about a roller coaster day of events. the moment it struck 12, it seemed weird. really. now im hoping for something thats prob never gonna happen.

leaving me to hang. it reminds me of this song hanging on a moment here with u by lifehouse. the words just perfectly describe how i feel. maybe at the rate this is at, this is just not it. but i cant begin to explain to u how i honestly think its all good when im actually WITH WITH u. when im not, i seem to feel all this nonsense im feeling. just tell me how u feel and that u wanna be with me. thats all i ask for before midnight.

the need to clean today comes with the need to actually eradicate the more unhealthy parts of my life. the keyboard im typing on has certainly got itself some rough treatment for something that really shuldnt be faulted for. but i really didnt know what to do. and for once in my life, i realised the saying bout how u shuld clean when ure upset ACTUALLY works. i mean. i took a deep breathe n started wiping. like there was no tmr.

but who m i lying to at this stage, i shuld have certainly known better den to expect a picture of goodness admist the mess i have found myself in. s

subconciously, i know this would happen but the conscious mind was certainly in its biggest denial yet. a bed of roses arent what they seem suddenly but the whole thing with extra baggage shuld seem quite apparent and normal if u actually think about it.

pls fast forward n put winsur into a time capsule, catapult him into a place 5 yrs from now cos he really doesnt wanna go thru the process. u know they say its the journey and not the destination u shuld ultimately enjoy? i think otherwise. especially today.

12 hrs later. some things have changed, more secrets out of the window n suddenly i feel like crap. sigh u know i always get this crappy phase within. like one moment im fine but at the mention of a certain something, ill be like the snail that i usually am, and back into that shell of mine i go and i would suddenly reflect 3 folds?

put it this way, its killing me softly as how the song was made famous but in the words of another song, my hopes are so high that ur kiss will kill me.

oh my. what am i saying.

hanging by a thread

once again u've done it. im left hanging here not knowing what happened, its as if a train just hit me n left me for dead.

u have that ability to cast that spell on me n i seriously do not appreciate the fact that here i am sitting all fucking night waiting for u and i have no clue where u are because its just not in me to question ur beinng and doing.

i reckon this is technically the worse night EVER. all the damn planning ive done has gone to waste just like how another off day is in the drain.

im lost in this mess. someone show me the light please.

u know songs come and go but there are always that few that would get u all excited just when it starts. its kinda how u just wouldnt be bored listening to it non stop all day cos it actually knows how u feel and just the sound of it soothes ur soul.

well these days, im a cross btw everything. from coldplays the scientist, tokio hotels monsoon, sevenfolds dear god and the killers human. i cant actually explain how i feel either.
its like u take these 4 songs, put them all in a food/word processer, mix it up reallll nice and spit everything out. its abit of everything listed above. all at once.

the past week has thought me to prob never stick my nose in business i reallly shouldnt be sticking it in again. its kinda my fault where i am right now but at the same time, u cant blame me for i've been thinking bout this foor soo dam long wondering if i actually had another shot. its just bringing a little more pain den it shuld.

thus the need for more tkd. when i kick and punch, i picture a face i saw vaguely 3 yrs ago. and that face i really needa vent my frustrations on. about time i actually put my dam anger together with a coloured belt that would mean something in someways.

after thought

oct 29 till now is a real long time to be honest. soo long i can actually use all my toes and fingers to actually get the number of days.

and talk about awkwardness. im falling.

distortion

after 2 yrs. god. what m i thinking.

nowhere close, somewhere far.

i just had a flash, in the words of a certain chuck. of a certain 6 yr old kid, not knowing the consequences of a slippery floor, jumping up and down on it when his sister and dad was in his sight. talk about tell me how to live by audioslave, i probably was too young but i didnt know what death was by cerebral haemmorrhage.

bout 15 yrs later, i get the same thing. im playing ball on a slipper surface and i see my dad come back and i know the dangers. if only i was smart enough 2 yrs ago to not do the things i did and ACTUALLY cherished what i have.

on a brighter note, im realising that things are kinda sorta changing for some of us and im leading myself to believe that its only a matter of time before my situation gets better. i mean i shuld believe in karma and rem that i havent been too evil a person and as such, i will b rewarded handsomely. im not looking for anything tooo gracious. just a little more compassion n talk time. but first, ill require some guts.

someone give me that rank instead.

im severely underpaid, being called on days off and bothered bout things that i have little or no control over. it seems like a job in the public affairs department where i have to please the whole dam world, everybody else but myself. talk about golden boy. it sucks to be in my shoes, especially during an off day.

imagine waking up to calls at fucking 8am in the morning when u know u have no business answering them. it doesnt help that the caller doesnt realise that hes being a total douchebag and is utterly persistant to get my sleepy ass on the other line. and just when u pick up, they realise, ooh wait i called the wrong person, hes off duty and he really shuldnt have a clue bout whats happening today.

thats not enough. i have a secondary pain in the ass which i obviously cant get rid off. pple are begging me for days off but i don have the authority to grant them their right. cant they motherfucking understand that i have no powers. why are pple, carrying the same rank as me, asking me the same question that ive been tryin to answer for 235r123526t mths now!!

why cant u stupid blind bats just open ur eyes and stop being so oblivious to the fact that we are in our current state now because of 1 asshole who carries 2 pips on each side of his shoulder but yet sleeps more den all of us combined? u fuckking dimwits. but that aside, u guys are bats, blind by nature, so what more should i expect from u guys right? i needa seriously get out of my current predicament. its not doing me any good that frustration is getting the btter of me on this saturday afternoon. WHY M I ANSWERING WORK CALLS ANYWAY!

failing

what makes a good show is the music. u could say that again. like a million times and u realise that it really is right. talk about OST to little snippets playing. it cant be more true.

well anyway. i realise my bet ends in 2 days n i cant begin to explain how ive failed sooo utterly miserably. lets hope i don fail again tmr.

great pretenders.

its been a while since i whined about the scores. but i shuld. and a record of 1 win in 6 games speaks for itself. this is hardly any sort of championship form. this suits the coca cola league more den anything else. i mean. i wud be surprise if they don get relegated if they continue to play the way they have been. its utterly annoying.

why cant u motherfuckers put the ball behind the net. its THAT simple. haha. or so i claim. but seriously. with the awesome foursome, there really isnt a reason to not do it right isnt it?

in other serious matters that have occured over the week, im proud to say that i got soo much sleep last night that i really don think ill b needing any for like, 3 weeks. or maybe im just lying

option b

these 2 words are still stuck in my head. today is technically my fault but the whole deal with option b is still floating around in there. i realise that in no uncertain terms. ill always be option b. and with that in mind. i shuld look further den just being that option b. i shuld b the first option available.

with that said. im kinda screwed considering how i have 3 hrs to sleep but i just cant get any again. i get this really often nowadays. i need pills. i needa be like towelie. in any case. i need start being that young person that i once was, live a little like a jackass and have a little fun. that makes everything a lot easier.

i said some stuff bout doing not so glamorous things in my life last night. but i shuld prob do it more often, make more mistakes and learn from them cos only den wud i know what a joy it is to be how i am right now. this is just pure blabbering.

i feel like im inspired. i feel like i cud go for a jog right now at 2.46 in the morning. but im just kidding myself. i prob m too lazy to do it.

im just home and although there were silences and shit, it was quite nice. like we actually TALKED. n there were moments when we completed each others sentences. it made perfect sense for once. all she ever said about same wavelength actually made sense. in any case. its a little too much hassle and she has FAR too much to gain/lose. and its prob the same for me.

on the other hand. i just realised how big a jerk that fella is. i mean. dude. u are soo full of urself. i mean u shuld look in the mirror and realise how full u actually look. seriously, u look fuller den fuller's earth. u prob don know what that is but its just figurative. so its okay. just allow me to be smart. =)

and that. that made me realise how i wud prob succeed. i lost the touch, i definately did. but i cud certainly work it. n work it i must.

losing my religion.

16 hours of rest and 2 aaron eckhart movies squeezed in btw with a 10 mins preview of tropic thunder. i think i made use of my day. i really did.

in any case. yeah. how ironic. 2 aaron eckhart movies in a row n i didnt even realise. well he is obviously underrated. and most of us are. underrated and under used, efficiently in terms of potential. realised that in my brief conversation as where i shuld be placed to work efficiently. i really shuldnt be getting my hands dirty even though i like to. it puts u on the same level as pple and they know u understand. HOWEVER, there are too many pple who thinks they are bettter. im done.

brain fried tonight thru misuse

tonight marks the return of a certain prodigal son.
a return that was really not wanted.
it comes at an absolutely wrong time. one when windy is still sufferring from spurts of stomach cramps. yes he sounds meeeeeekly fagggottish. but please do not remind him. if not, he'll show u what hes made of in the oval office of his. literally made up of.

oh well. im freakishlllly sad im condemn back there but the consolation is that its only for a mth so its gonna be like driving thru the underground tunnel. for moments im under the tunnel, wondering whats ahead of me, den suddenly i see the light at the end of the tunnel before heading back into a hole full of uncertainties. somehow that doesnt make too much sense.

im supposed to be getting some shut eye now but i decided against it for the very simple reason that i have too little time n i will probably wake up really cranky and groggy, too bad a condition for me to be in to drive. and just den, it got me thinking.

submissive. i just suddenly thought of the word.. i wikied the word to get an absolute spot on definition of it n i got these:
one who submits
sounds like wrestling so i decided to look at the synonyms:
docile
meek
slavish
timid

den as i type this, i suddenly rem the case of road rage i seeeem to have everyday that i drive. im fucking irritated as hell that pple sound their horns or like fucking look at me when i drive. fucking douchebags. cant u fucking see the freaking triangle. if u cant see it. im gonna print one soo big that it covers ur damn windscreen. in any case. credit shuld be given. u see, ive barely passed for a month now and driving is obviously not my second nature as of yet so u freaking turds need to realise why pple actually have their p plates on. i m proposing a ban, demerit points and even time behind bars for pple who actually take advantage of us.

yes we are using the triangle. but that doesnt allow u to honk at me when im driving at 50 on a road which CLEARLY states 50km/hr as its speed limit. im obeying the rules, u arent. so dont force me to break em. i only have 12 points to spare u dimwit.

well that isnt it. u pricks need to remember the times when u just passed n stopp acting like asswipes to triangle kids. and if u fuckers don stop, its only a matter of time before that sarcastic smile slowly disappears and becomes a finger accompanied by the shoving of as many triangles i have in the car up ur ass. to reiterate my point, heres a link to help u : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finger_(gesture)

fucking frustration. ive had it.

its been a long long long long time and i swear i cant rem the last time i actually did this. well the period of time between the last time ive blogged has been filled with periods of certain excitement which is slowly turning into resentment and great hatred.

im thru with being the do it all person.
i kinda sorta think that they'll still turn to me but in terms of recognising my fucking efforts, ive had nth in terms of appreciation. absolutely zilch. pisses the shit out of me and its certainly getting on my nerves. he can start treating me the way he does but im starting to wonder if i shuld do the wrong thing and just fuck him over. i regret not doing more in terms of trying to get away but the chances i got were so cruelly taken away from me and they happened twice. how fucked up can that be.
sometimes u don bite the hand that feeds u, i get that. but other times, u don fucking step on the hands of someone who has worked soo dam hard for u, and expect that poor soul to continue shedding sweat and blood they way he does. this thing has gone on in my head for the past 2 nights and its getting on my fucking nerves.

and god so help me if u start changing again and i realise the only reason u change is because of the 4 wheels, i might just run u over with my lemon.

10 rules to live by.

all it takes is 1 idea. and that comes after 100 bad ideas.
unfortunately for me. im stuck at 1 bad idea of making money after 2 yrs. i need to start living by a straight set of rules as it is said. i really ought to. stick em in my mind. stick em up my brains. i neeed to start.

so yes. back u are. a little nonchalant u seem but who the hell cares? i need all the wittiness in the world n it kinda sorta worked a little yesterday. like a little magic here and there. that aside. thats it. i feel dumb i didnt do anything right there and then cos here on out, im gonna regret. i saw the return looks but i honestly have NO clue cos i started staring first. so lets just hope u appear again somewhere down the line n give me a reason to approach. from now till den. its just a hopeless cause as it always is.

that fat nut always makes a little point here and there. thats why i even agree to hang out with her. she has here views and some times, she makes more sense den i give her credit for.

whats with the fucking blabbering. give me a dam break.

draining.

this has been a reallly straining week. mentally. everything has been soo sudden. yes i enjoyed that one day off. den suddenly everything changed. in a bad way.
the messages traded with sissy has been really traumatic. n i havent spoken to her in so long that im actually scared now. i wonder what the fuck shes doing. i don deserve to know but i deserve a response? contradicting but i AM contradicted now. im so screwed in the head im actually pissed off. den everything with the family. FUCK MAN. i havent seen my dad in ages n mum makes me feel guilty. i deserve to know everything because i AM part of the family but they are all keeping it from me. m i some kind of outsider. i swear i wanna cry at the thought of them shouting at each other with sarcastic thoughts.

den the fact i quarrelled with her that badly. god. and everything at woodlands is killing me. i tot a new PC cud help but not. i literally ran the show for him to watch yesterday n i think he is quite impressed. that aside. im just another messanger. again.

point of no return

the thought of taking mdis den was a fucking stupid move i swear but considering how i didnt have enuff money den. its something i cant control. that amt of money vs the time im gonna waste. its technically intangible but lets just put it this way. it takes a while to mature.

if i start. i cant fucking start till april. which happens to b both good and bad. bad because. fuck man. i have to wait. AGAIN. good because. good golly god its just after i ORD. that has to b godsent but not quick enuff definately.

maturing late is a prob. "i was threading water and living like a hippie for 2 yrs on my own" chilling words n those 2 yrs might come back to haunt me.
i thought i did fine. u dam right it allowed me to mature n learn a lot on my own bout independence but i guess u have to fail at some point. being perfect all the time is apparently something that is harder to achieve for me den passing the broad jump; totally unrelated but u get my point.

i was never smart enuff to realise what was next and i think if i ever have my offspring. thats the most important thing i need to tell them of. whats next on the never ending highway of education. i mean. i certainly got the whole point of jc/poly. but never did i realise what was in store after that. i have no one to blame but myself for the naviety never got into my head n i thought i was doing fine. as they say. ignorance is bliss, and that very fact for which i was ignorant about it, is sad. its done n dusted but certainly i wud live to regret it. ron says stop regretting bout life n i need to stop living it the way i m n start making things work.

u know. some pple take longer but u eventually get there n when u get there. the success of it is sweeter den the chewing dragees thats lying on the table. that aside. sissy made sense of it all by talkking bout the drive n putting it simply in perspective. u cud certainly do other things to keep u motivated now. and when it comes. ure gonna jump at the opportunity like never before. im ACTUALLY EAGER FOR SCH
i wan to go back to sch. first time in the 19.5yrs i have been breathing that i miss sch. ah. fuck. windy has got to make up his mind

24

start.
european glory. finally. at an age where i make sense of it.
duel with my arch nemesis, the broad jump went in a great way as i stood toe to toe n kicked it right in the chin.
and next a scene that came straight from a music video i swear. i quote "I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man." i'll let ur live ur life cos it wont be fair to u if u have another fuck tart who bothers u like travis. whatever it is. take care n u look great. just that it was just a reality check. big fat slap right in the kisser. of well.

i realise how i didnt deserve to be in the same train as u. god. m i that pathetic n have i done that much wrong? sigh.

And i dream about somewhere, a smoke will fill the air
As i lay awaken and wait for you to walk out that door
I can change, i can change, i can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, i'm the same, i'm the same, what do you want me to be?

i cant wait.

this is nonsense really.
it sucks to have ur fate dictated by a single phone call which cud threaten to place u in a cell where u spend ur time facing 4 walls. it really sucks. yes discipline is instilled but even outside of these camps, money is used to threatened us. so how is actually fair for our lives to be dictated by a call. worse still. after all the hard work u actually put in. how is it actually worth it. i get no recognition. my heart aches just watching how this works. its not even my job to begin with.

the wait is certainly killing me softly. n im trying so hard not to think about it but to no avail of course. i really need march the 13th to come around. again. n quickly at that. the bad news is. from now till den. i have more den 280 days. fucking kill me pls.

error in judgement.

may.
never a mth i used to like. for different reasons as the yrs go by but just another reason to not like this.

ive been taught a rather severe lesson to not sleep so much. and take life more seriously. like how this guy always says. ull sleep forever one day. just make the best of everything now. so yes. rewind to that day. i was done with driving. of which i had a great 15 mins. everything was great and i did absolutely nothing wrong. i swear if i drove like that during the test. it'll go well. den as usual i lost concentration n focus. i suck really. after driving. thru out the lesson. i dwelled on paying him a visit cos of wat mum said. she actually said gasping for his breath. n so i called dad after driving and he told me bout going the next day because there was prob no 1 there n he honestly wont b able to recognise me without dad. next thing i knew, i had a call while on duty just before midnight. this was one hell of a bad time to call. my dad obviously knows when i work so he wont have called, unless absolutely necessary. n his words were really sharp.

that made me feel even worse. that wise old man. who had prob done a job i wud love to have n read more books den i will ever dream of, the same old man who is in a good way responsible for filling up my house cabinets with wrestling videos enuff to open a shop. ive talked about how watching western shows help the english thing n i swear he has a huge part to play in it. i sat in the bus on the way to the crematrioum and i realised he recorded videos for me for about 6 yrs. non stop without fail. n all i cud have done was visit him that last time. thats the best i cud do for him but instead. i went against that ever evil gut feeling of mine n went back to camp. how fucking stupid can i get really.

i need help for nes roms.

flashback eh. to a year ago. i rem myself sitting in front of that pale looking cupboard inside that lifeless room of strangers telling myself that everything wud end. soon. one year on. it sure as hell isnt soon enuff. as i sat there one year ago, i rem being really tired, drained and afraid of what was den my arch nemisis which came in the form of really thick protective gear. now, its more of a fren. i wish i cud actually be doing it now. i mean. i wud rather work my ass of from 8-5 and den get my night off for time with my family n myself. sure as hell isnt the case.

so yes. i have my options totally open but it seems like a long way away from being in the position i long to be. sigh

on a brighter note. the iphone works alright now. the whole sms bug seems to have stopped, albeit the duration it will work for is unknown. i hope it does for a long long time. in a week, i will know of the success of upgrading its version and den b able to tell my frens of it. amazing thing was that it seemed to have only taken half an hour for this to work. wow. why did i procrastinate in the first place.

next up. trying to fit nes roms in. i need it.

stagnation

in the words of a certainn fren. the fireman test. oh yes. it is tmr. and i had like 20 hrs notice. tts like freaking ripoff. do u know it cud potentially be worth 1800 dollars worth of rubbish i cud pay for, which happens to include a license which is suddenly vanishing. well anyhow, yes the fireman test. god dammit.

oh yes. ive been looking high and low and thinking where the fuck my rich dad poor dad is. it took my an entire week to realise that i havent got it back from a certainl someone i lent it too. u see, my sudden realization of my stagnating financial life freaks me out. i shuld certainly be making use of the time. its been said before, start young n u freaking sluts cant catch up with me. and i know i needa read and refresh myself with all that stuff i enriched myself with pre-ns period.

driving was apparently scary. his words and i quote, "we'll start from here today. don't worry, aint no cars. just drive slow." er. sorry sir but slow in my dictonary is an overstatement. i drive at like 2km/h. i swear when i was driving and looking at my rearview mirror, half the time i felt bad for hogging the road. esp at the turns. i can sense from the car's body language (wth is this i know) that they wanna drive but i was like a fat guy at the entrance of a train door, no one cud pass me by. thats besides the point. it was one hell of a driving lesson till the last 20 mins. i lost interest, patience n a whole load of composure. i just didnt wanna drive anymore n i culdnt get the car to stop at traffic lights properly. scary shit i know. maybe just maybe the driving genes werent passed down properly. malfunctioned sumwhere along the way.

its been awhile

cue stain song.

its been a dam long time. so long that im suddenly the seeming frontrunner for this. its weird how i am. well deep in me im actually clueless. im hiding it all behind that face of knowing it all. well im the last person that shuld actually be running for the post. from operating the machines to doing a broad jump, im never the best, 2nd best at most. well its hard to explain whats wrong with my but i shuldnt really worry considering how its not even something that is confirmed.

all that talk of awards and shit. i swear ill be disheartened if i don get anything. he always say that bullshit bout how when u work, it comes straight from ur heart n u don do it hoping for recognition. but on the hindsight, u actually want to b recognised for the efforts uve put in. i mean think of it this way, i was never paid to do the work im currently doing at the border of the country and how i was thrust straight into action shuld actually be rewarded. i was thrown into the wilderness literally on the first day, albeit the fact it was 40 days ago, it feels like a fucking lifetime. the abilitt to be able to get away from all the current bullshit we're in is as tempting as the urge i have to go out there and get myself that packet of prata. only thing thats only pulling me back is the fact that i actually just went jogging and did crunches! im not gonna let all that hard work go to waste. and that actually applies to all that ive done at the border. i mean. i cud get myself that prata/go for the new job and pple will 4get my efforts from before/that madness of running cud go to waste in an instance! u cud that geist. its not put in place respectively in terms of the sentence really. n i know of a person whom upon reading this will kill me for writing like that.

in any case. the sights of many pple doing things that are usually done in private is quite irritating. its like sign from god in its most obvious form. its soo in ur face that its like the middle finger i show everyone in the morning when i wake up. god literally cut me open with a knife, poured salt on me and rubbed it in reallll deep. i cud die upon the posting of this but its true. it really is.

oh yes. stalling a manual car is my new hobby. i cant seem to stop. my left leg is retarded. is just doesnt wanna work with the right one. its like playing drums except that this one doesnt create any music/noise, it kills lives.

where the fuck are u.

20 hrs on. im awake. not feeling the least sleepy.
i swear i m gonna shit on the fucker if i find him. he has screwed up all my plans for the mth and cause the body clock to b stuck at 5 mar 08. i cant get pass that day. my clock is lagging, like that battery in the clock that sits on top of sum table in ur hse that ure too lazy to change. u shuld get my drift. anyhow. yes thats how it is. and i swear. if i fail my final theory. i will not be too surprised but i might just flip and personally sought that fucker out myself. GODD!

prolonged bullshit.

bah. its all prolonged now. fucking asses now wan it to b for another 2 weeks more. i obviously cant do 2 weeks more. im fucking bumped up all over my head. talk about disillusioned, disorientated and losing sense of time. that was used to describe msk himself but it seems to b starting to apply to me.

ineffiency kills me. i hate pple who are efficient. or at least more efficient den me. im quite lazy myself. so if u suck more den me, u really do suck in ur life. fucktard comes along trying to take control so ill gladly give him the post. i mean. ive been stuck there n i think some part of me just longs for being deployed. that way im not having to worry about whether everyone has had a smoke, food, water and rest. now its okay that i have to worry bout all those bullshit but the crap i have to listen thru the comms, all that whining bout how tired u are. crap dude. ive been standing too. and unlike all u fuckers, i didnt catch a wink if u didnt realise. so don u dare tell me ure tired.

ok tts enuff. back to the point. give u the post and u gladly screw it up. besides. u fucking keep quiet when im wrongly blamed. i mean. wtf do u keep quiet when u were handling the post, n i got fucked for UR mistakes when it was UR stupidity to begin with. man. i was no where close to doing deployment after lunch yesterday.

ive had enuff. sleepy time beckons.

waking up to this every morning.

every fucking morning tt i wake up to seems to be the same. i mean. if its in camp. it kicks off with er... brushing of teeth, the quick shower with me shivering my ass off with organsiations inability to provide a fucking heater and yet b able to waste money and useless things/pple, coiling of my extension wires, the putting on of my headgear and getting ready for roll call. tt sounds normal doesnt it. now fuck that and let me tell u what my day at home sounds like. fucking sleep doesnt actually exist. the iphone rings incessantly. its like my iphone goes in a trance. doesnt stop vibrating and starts that ringtone that i once used to love. i emphasised. once. and nowadays when the phone rings. its always me shouting jia lat jia lat. fuck man. im just doing my shit for 2 yrs and fucking offf. cant u guys give me some peace. argh. probably windys really efficient sometimes but others, windys tired. u dumbos. i have my breaking point too and i need rest. thts fr sure.

moving on. im starting to feel a lot. i mean. the pass 3 shifts have showed that if winsur forgets, the rest most prob wud, albeit a real few. i miss the old guys man. the new bunch are mostly wussies. i mean. how the fuck do u injure an arm if ure standing the whole day. the shift requires standing mostly. not fucking pushups, handstands and whatnots. argh. u dum fuck. why the fuck are these ass holes around me.

im starting to go back to that whole one paragraph of chunk that pple hate reading cos of all the anger. the disappoint is quite apparent suddenly. i mean. yay well done u are attached and moving on with ur life. but a year on, here i am stuck and not making any progress.

exactly 1 yr ago, everything was different. im so wanting to burn myself alive with the tot of another yr to go. i cud die just with that tot. windys got to change really. someone fucking kill me n stop scaring me with all the thoughts of my family plans screwing up in front of me.

oooh the disappointment.

firemen no poke his nose in policemen business. but only if ure not doing ur job.
u retards made me wait like forever to come to the scene tt day. and a few mths on, ure proving to me that ur force is nothing more den a joke. what the hell are we doing in this day and age looking for a man who is limping. im disappointed. and what took u soo long to bring me to action! firemen no like wait.

argh. uve been an absolute chess game to me. its like lets see who takes the first step n u seem to b trying SOO hard to draw me into action, in what seems like a pathetic attempt. well ive heard about cutting u like as though ure just a branch of absolute nothingness to me. but i cant seem to bring myself to do this. i mean. how the hell am i supposed to just let u die and rot in a foreign land. i cant not answer ur calls right. besides. unknown cud = sister, breastie, u. so choose one and i always seem to choose the wrong one. its like my mcq test gone seriously wrong. its always one of the other 2 that i don expect.

screw the issue with my bed in camp. someone abolish the need for stayin in camp now.

this feels familiar

ive felt all of this happening before. but the tragic part is that my subconcious mind is dragging my dreams into this. fuck man. it wasnt really a nightmare. but more of a dream to make a nightmare come true. the things i feared most were practically lining up to make me feel miserable. all in that few hours of sleep?!

moving on. we need to move on. especially yours truly. i probably owe u a mail. but wait. what were we again?

save me from oblivion

-ferrying injured banglas
-wearing weird suits in preparation of an unfortunate incident
-running up n down stairs with my bunker gear n hoses heavier den u'll ever figure
-waiting at some random place for sumthing to happen to save the day
-performing cpr on a dead woman

fuck man. i tot that shuld have topped off my year. but im receiving weirder shit den that. n to cap it all off. im reaping the consquences for being mean. sigh. i was sitting in the car wondering where i wud b one year from now n thinkin if anything wud actually work out. i got freaked out. for starters. improve the thinking.

i need funnier stuff den the traffic light.

irony

its been a long time. n everythings changing. cue keane song.

well its been a few weeks. eventful is an understatement. there was the trip to bangkok. den here we are in the cny phase.

celebrate? theres a certain someone who isnt exactly enjoying herself. i don think u'll ever know the existance of this place and ill never allow u to for the amt of vulagarities found wud cause me to banish to a place further den anyone can fathom. anyhows. my heart goes out to u. in a selfish way, i feel bad for not being there but i know u don need me physically. u just need me when u need me n i think thats all that matters. im sorry that u were prob the few pple that ever helped me thru the start of the yr n now im not there to reciprocate. in fact. its irony thats twistin everything disgustingly. really. shes in a better place im sure she is. n she definately wudnt wanna see u sad. so the same way u prayed for me. i pray for u n hope u bounce back as soon as u can and b that u thats never really sad and has that amazing ability to control and keep ur emotions intact.

about 7 yrs ago at this time, my sister was embarking on her own journey overseas. i suddenly had a sister that i was soo close to growin up taken away from me phyiscally and ever since den. my lives been full of wrong turns.

well ure starting ur own journey now n it all is really ironic. i hope 8 yrs from now i don rem the same thing happening to another loved one of mine really. but anyhows. i think its all done n dusted, whether or not i was it to b. its not a choice n more of something i have to live with. freaking hate to live my life wondering what cud have been really.

the counter has gotta start n motivate me. here on out. i HAVE to make this a habit before i explode thru my clothes.

turn out turn out!

fucking hell. wat a day. fucking eventful 24hrs of my freaking life is more den an understatement. started off close to midnight when i decided to lay all my cards on the table n let you know how i felt. n u told me twice bout how u feel n thrice tt u'll msg me. i hope u're tryin to reach me really.

well im glad i wasnt there to send u off thought. n i swear it was work. im usually a pig n i wont wake up till probably 15 mins before time n rush like a madman. but this morning i woke up about 45 mins before time n i just couldnt get back to sleep after that. there was absolutely no reason for this. den i heard the alarm n den i told firt. fuck that shit. why isnt it us? we laughed n den got back to bed. freaking helllll. 10 mins n brushing of my teeth later, i was fucking rushing like a madman. my hands were trembling at the fact that i was actually going to save lives! but anyhows. i hoped onto the bus n we were off to incident site.

there were so many casualties lying down that upon arrival, we actually got REALLY worried. i mean. i havent seen an ENTIRE group of pple from the force not knowing what to do without our vehicle. it was apparent though that pple were watching n watching closely. i rem this fucktard taking a video so i started telling them non stop in my windy way to carry em carefull. n suddenly. we're on amateur video on the 10oclock news. this is just unbelievable.

2 weeks on.

wow. its been 2 weeks. i havent jogged for that long n that jog almost cost me my life.
breathless is an absolute understatement.

conversation with cat girl was weird. i, like winnie, am dying to know if its really her or shes just acting like that reallly. we have HAVE HAVE to know soon.

the iphone is due in 7 days. sisssy says its in her hands together with my limited edition havainas! and god knows wat. bangkok in 14 days too. wow. this is gonna b a january to make up for the worse december of my life. i mean. from start to finish, n i mean literally finish, it was certainly a december to forget.

leaving in a few days huh. i don know who u are anymore. ure weird. weird in fact is just not underlining the truth enuff. camp tmr sucks. im blabbering.

bah

fuck.
my worst fears are coming true.
me being locked up seems like a probability now. well i kinda shouldnt have given my freaking name. im hoping they overlook this n not have any records. if not. im fucked. i really am. fucked fucked fucked.

it happens to b worrying with everything thats unfolding in front of me too. it isnt supposed to b like that but after those words came out of her mouth. anything goes. everything is a possibility. and seriously. im freaked out. pls tell me im overreacting.

you fucktards.

as if the problems arent mounting already. these fucktards are irresponsible fruitcakes. how the fuck can u act the way they do. it just amazes me that these pple are such retards. why the fuck wud u wanna spend any time at all in a dark cell by urself. why wud u wanna put urself thru that torture. why why why? fucking idiots really. its time tp put friendship aside n start charging them. i really shuld. fucking asswipes. argh.

came back realllly early den usualy. given some time off. im gonna change n go visit soon. im starting to worrrrrie big time.